My grown kids roll their eyes at all my advice. How do I stay close without hovering? I have Good Advice Dear I have Good Advice, You know, there's something funny about growing up, we spend our early years trying to break free from our parents, and then one day we realize we’ve turned into them. That moment often comes long after we’ve brushed off all their advice. So first of all, don’t confuse eye rolls with rejection. Sometimes, they’re just doing the grown-up version of “I heard you, I’m still going to do it my way.” And that’s okay. It's part of them building their own backbone.
Welcome to the Unsolicited Advice Anonymous club, where your wisdom is solid gold and yet somehow worth less than a Tik-Tok dance to your grown kids. I hear you. You want to stay close, be helpful, and maybe, just maybe, get a smidge of credit for having learned a thing or two in your day. But every time you open your mouth, their eyes take a scenic trip to the back of their heads. Been there. Felt that.
Let’s start with a truth that stings a little: our grown kids want to feel like adults. Giving advice, especially without being asked, can accidentally signal to them that you don’t trust their judgment or think they still need to be parented. That’s not your intent, I know. You’re trying to help. But what they hear might sound like doubt, or worse, control.
So how do you stay connected without stepping on their grown-up toes? What you’re really asking isn’t just “How do I stay close without hovering?” What you’re saying is, “How do I matter to them now?” You matter more than you know. Even if they’re not coming to you for daily advice, your steadiness, your presence, your unconditional love, that’s their safe place.
First, switch roles in your mind. Instead of thinking like a parentcoach shouting from the sidelines, become the parent- cheerleader. It’s a shift from “Here’s what you should do” to “I believe in you to figure this out.” Support doesn’t always have to come with suggestions. Sometimes the greatest support sounds like, “Wow, that’s a tough spot. What are you thinking about doing?” See how that leaves the door open for them to ask for your input instead?
Next, resist the urge to fix things. Grown kids need space to process their struggles and make their own choices, yes, even the messy ones. Bite your tongue, breathe through the silence, and let them wrestle with life. The irony is, the more you trust them to handle it, the more likely they are to eventually seek your thoughts.
Now, I’m not saying you have to play dumb or pretend you don’t have life experience. But package your wisdom in stories, not sermons. Think “You know, when I was in a similar situation, I did this…” instead of “Here’s what you need to do.” Stories invite them in. Orders send them out.
And this is big: find new things to connect over that have nothing to do with advice. Share hobbies, TV shows, recipes, or even ridiculous memes. Make space for laughter and lightness. When the relationship isn’t all about problem-solving, it feels less like hovering and more like loving.
I also want you to remember something: they probably still hear your voice even if they act like they don’t. Your words and presence are in there somewhere, filed under “Things I Rolled My Eyes At Then But Use Constantly Now.” Trust that.
One final suggestion: ask them what support looks like to them. It’s vulnerable, yes, but powerful. Say something like, “I want to stay close and be supportive without overstepping. What feels good to you?” That kind of openness tells them you’re still in their corner, just with a little less micromanaging and a little more partnership.
Finally, don’t forget your own life. I say this with all the love in my bones: if your world gets too focused on theirs, it’s easy to feel pushed out when they pull back. Fill your days with things that light you up, hobbies, friends, projects, even quiet time. When you keep growing and thriving, you don’t just stay close, you stay inspiring.
You’re doing a good job. Your love is the root of all of this. Keep showing up with that love, not as the fixer, but as the trusted listener and a soft landing spot.
Aunt B
If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@ forneymessenger. com.
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