Dear Aunt B,

I have been married awhile, and my spouse never compliments me on anything. I would just like to know if they appreciate anything at all that I do. Is that too needy?

Dear Craving Kind Words, Caring about feeling seen and appreciated by the person you love is one of the most tender and honest things a person can admit. You are human, and like every one of us, you need emotional connection, not just through actions, but through words too.

I’m going to tell you a little story from my own life. Years ago, I had a friend, let’s call her Becky, who made the best chocolate cream pie I’ve ever had. Now, every year at Thanksgiving, she’d bring it, and everyone would scarf it down with joy. But one year, she just stopped. I asked her why, and she said, “Nobody ever said they liked it. They just ate it. I wasn’t sure it mattered.” That broke my heart because of course it mattered. But the truth was, no one ever told her.

Now imagine your love language is words, like your emotional pie, and no one ever tells you they love your pie. Over time, it starts to feel like maybe no one notices or cares, and that hurts.

Compliments aren’t about vanity; they’re about validation. They’re the “I see you” of relationships. That look you gave, the way you laugh, how you handled a tough day, how you look in that worn-in t-shirt you think isn’t flattering, all those things deserve to be seen and appreciated. Not because you're fishing for praise, but because in a relationship, we all want to feel chosen and cherished every day.

Here’s what might be going on: your partner may not be withholding compliments out of neglect or malice. Some folks genuinely struggle with expressing affection through words. Maybe they grew up in a family that didn’t do a lot of verbal affirmation. Maybe they think actions (like fixing the car or making dinner) speak louder than words. And while that’s valid for them, it doesn’t mean it’s enough for you.

Different people speak different “love languages,” as Gary Chapman famously put it. If your love language is “words of affirmation” and your partner’s is “acts of service”, you might both be missing each other without even realizing it. You’re saying, “Please tell me I matter,” and they’re saying, “But I just cleaned the garage for you!”

So what do you do? First, recognize your need is not petty. This is about emotional nourishment. And if you were starving for food, you wouldn’t feel guilty asking for a sandwich, would you? Well, you’re starving a little bit here, emotionally. You deserve to speak up.

And speaking up is exactly where I’d start. Not with blame or a laundry list of what they don’t do. Try something like, “Hey love, can I tell you something kind of vulnerable? I really light up when you compliment me or notice something about me. I know you love me, but sometimes I miss hearing it out loud.” Say it with kindness, not criticism.

Now, be prepared: your partner may need time to adjust. Complimenting might not come naturally, and at first, it might even feel awkward for them. That’s okay. We’re all learning how to love each other better. Encourage little moments. When they do say something nice, no matter how small, let them know it meant a lot. That helps build a positive feedback loop – praise for the praise, if you will.

And if your partner just flat-out refuses? If they say, “That’s dumb,” or “You’re too needy”? Well, that’s a bigger conversation. Because relationships should be safe places to express needs and be met with love, not ridicule. That’s not about compliments anymore. That’s about respect.

Also, keep in mind, not all compliments need to be verbal. Does your partner look at you a certain way that makes your heart skip? Do they have ways of showing affection that you may not have been recognizing as compliments? Sometimes we miss the language of love because we’re listening in the wrong dialect.

But no matter what, do not let anyone, including your own inner critic, convince you that you’re being too sensitive, too needy, or too much for wanting words that feel like sunshine on your soul. You’re not asking to be put on a pedestal. You’re just asking to be loved in a way that makes you feel seen.

And baby, we all deserve that.

Love,

Aunt B

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