Ask Aunt B

My teenage child doesn’t talk to me anymore. How do I stay connected without being pushy? I am not sure if something is wrong and I don’t know how to help.

Dear Concerned Mother, Of course there is a possibility that something is wrong and you should continue to look for additional signs but there is also a real possibility that this is completely normal.

I remember so well, the time when my youngest all of a sudden decided that I was the person he least wanted to be around. It was extremely painful especially since we (I thought) were extremely close. When he would arrive home and I would holler(maybe there was a bit of a problem) his name, he would say “Do you always have to say my name”, OUCH.

You are absolutely *not* alone in this. There’s a moment many parents dread when their once chatty child turns into a one-word-answer machine who seems to have taken a vow of silence around the house. It’s a special kind of heartache when the kid who used to follow you into the bathroom just to keep talking suddenly won’t even text you back with more than “k.” Let me tell you this: this isn’t the end of your relationship, it’s just the beginning of a new chapter. A weird, often quiet chapter, but an important one.

Teenagers are in this deliciously confusing season of life where they’re trying to figure out who they are. They’re experimenting with independence, boundaries, and the idea that *maybe*, just *maybe*, they don’t need us quite so much anymore. Their brains are practically under construction, like a major freeway project with detours and orange cones everywhere. Add in hormones and social pressures, and you've got a perfect storm for the teenage shut-down.

You miss the closeness, and you want to help them through whatever they’re going through. So let’s talk strategy. Here are some ideas on how to stay lovingly connected without coming off as a SWAT team of smothering affection.

This might sound counterintuitive, but sometimes just being around quietly can speak volumes. Sit in the same room with them, not to talk, but just to be there. You fold laundry, they scroll TikTok. That’s connection. You don’t need to force deep conversations. Just show up, consistently, without expectations. Over time, they’ll feel that. You’re saying, “I’m here when you’re ready,” and that’s a powerful message.

We often want to *fix* things for our kids. I know I do. But most teenagers don’t want advice unless they ask for it, and even then, they might not be ready to hear it. What they want is someone to listen without judgment or an agenda. If they do talk to you, try saying something like, “That sounds really tough. How did you handle it?” instead of diving into a solution. Be their sounding board, not their coach.

If your teen clams up the second you start asking questions, maybe it’s time to switch gears. Instead of interrogating like a detective on a crime show, “Where were you? Who were you with? What did you eat?”, try more open-ended, non-threatening questions. Or even better, ask their opinion on something. Teens love having opinions. Ask what they think about a song, a trend, even something on the news. Make space for them to teach you something. That changes the dynamic and can make them feel more respected.

You don’t have to suddenly love video games or whatever they’re into, but showing genuine interest goes a long way. Watch a show they like and ask them what’s going on (even if it makes zero sense to you). Let them introduce you to a meme or a YouTube creator. One of my readers told me her quiet-as-a-mouse teen opened up after they bonded over oddly satisfying power-washing videos. Hey, connection is connection.

Try writing them a note. Nothing too heavy. Just a little “I saw this today and it reminded me of you” or “I’m proud of how you handled that situation with your friend.” Leave it on their pillow or send it as a text. Written words let them process at their own pace.

Sometimes teens pull away just to make sure you’re still there. It’s like an emotional peeka- boo game. They want distance, but they also need to know the bridge between you is still standing. So yes, back off when they need space, but make it clear you are always there.

Keep loving them, keep showing up, and keep being a soft place for them to land when life gets messy. You don’t need to push. You just need to be a steady presence in the background.

Love,

Aunt B

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