Ask Aun B

I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life. They still haunt me. How do I overcome the shame of past mistakes?

Dear Carrying the Past, What we are talking about here is shame. Shame has a sneaky way of setting up camp in our hearts, whispering all sorts of lies about who we are based on what we’ve done, or what we failed to do. I’ve been there too, sitting with a pit in my stomach over things I wish I’d handled differently. But here’s the truth you need to hear loud and clear: “You are more than your worst moment.”

Let’s unpack this together, gently and honestly, like two friends over coffee – because the way through shame isn’t by pushing it down or pretending it’s not there. It’s by shining a light on it and then walking right past it into something better.

This might surprise you, but guilt and shame aren’t the same thing. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am something wrong.” That second one? That’s the lie. You might feel guilty over a choice you made, and that’s normal, it means you have a conscience. But shame? Shame is the emotional bully that tries to convince you that you’re broken beyond repair. You are not.

You are a human being. And guess what? Humans mess up. Every single one of us. If you met someone who told you they’ve never made a mistake, I’d advise you to clutch your purse and walk away quickly, because they’re either lying or in serious

denial.

Part of healing is facing what happened. If you hurt someone, neglected something important, or made a decision you regret, it’s okay to say, “Yes, I did that. And it wasn’t my best moment.” Owning your part is powerful. But, and this is important: don’t take on more than what’s yours. Shame likes to exaggerate. It’ll tell you that one bad decision defines your entire worth. It doesn’t.

Make amends where you can. Apologize if it’s appropriate and safe to do so. But after that, you’ve got to stop replaying the moment like it’s the only scene in your movie. Your life is made of thousands of moments.

Often, the story we carry in our heads is harsher than reality. You might be saying things like, ‘I’m a failure” or “I’ll never be trusted/loved/ respected again.” That is shame talking.

Try this: imagine someone you love came to you with the same story. They made the same mistake. Would you call them a failure? Or would you say, “You messed up. You’re still worthy of love and good things. You get to try again.” You deserve the same grace you’d give to them.

It’s time to talk back to the shame. Catch it in the act. And then speak a better truth. I know self-compassion might sound like a fluffy word, but I’m here to tell you it’s fierce. It’s the decision to look at yourself honestly and still choose kindness.

You are allowed to outgrow your past. You’re allowed to look back and say, “I wish I’d known and done better,” and then go forward doing better. That’s growth. That’s maturity. That’s grace in action.

One of my favorite sayings is, “When we know better, we do better.” Let that be your anthem. Because shame wants to keep you stuck. Self-compassion sets you free.

Here’s something I’ve learned: you need people who don’t define you by your mistakes but who remind you of your strength, your growth, and your worth.

If you’re surrounded by folks who throw your past in your face, that’s not love. That’s control. Seek out the safe spaces, friends, mentors, maybe even a good therapist, where you can be real, and still be loved.

You can’t undo the past. You can only decide what it teaches you and who you become because of it. Every scar, every stumble, every worthy moment, they can all serve a purpose if you let them. Not as badges of shame, but as reminders of how far you’ve come.

Growth doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. It means you let it shape you into someone wiser, kinder, and more compassionate.

You are not the sum of your mistakes. You are the sum of how you rise, how you learn, and how you keep showing up. Your past might explain where you’ve been, but it does not get to dictate where you’re going.

So take a deep breath. Forgive yourself. Speak gently to that version of you who didn’t know what you know now. And walk forward knowing this: You are allowed to begin again. And again. And again.

Love,

Aunt B

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