My child is prone to throwing tantrums. I am beyond frustrated. What I do seems to make them worse. Any ideas so I can keep my sanity and not ruin my child?
Dear Exhausted and Overwhelmed,
Tantrums are no joke. If you’ve ever found yourself in the grocery store with a screaming child on the floor while a stranger gives you “that” look, you know just how frustrating (and mortifying) it can be. Parenting is hard work, and staying calm when your child is losing their mind feels like trying to meditate in the middle of a rock concert.
Tantrums aren’t just random explosions of chaos. They usually happen because: your child is frustrated and doesn’t have the words to express it; they are hungry, tired, overstimulated, or overwhelmed; they are testing limits and learning how the world works; or they feel out of control and are seeking reassurance.
Tantrums are actually a normal part of child development. Knowing why they happen won’t stop them, but it can help you respond in a way that doesn’t escalate the situation.
Your child feeds off your energy. If you meet their tantrum with your own version of a meltdown, things will only spiral further. Try taking a deep breath, counting to five, or even stepping away for a moment if it’s safe to do so.
Your goal isn’t to win the moment; it’s to manage it without losing your sanity.
Easier said than done, right? But when your child is in meltdown mode, they need you to be their anchor, not their opponent.
Lower your voice instead of raising it. Whispering can actually get their attention faster than yelling. Get down to their level. Instead of towering over them, crouch down, make eye contact, and speak calmly. Use simple language. A long speech about why we don’t throw things won’t stop a toddler in full rage mode.
When you stay calm, you model emotional regulation, something they’ll eventually learn from watching you.
Have you ever tried to have a logical conversation with someone in the middle of a meltdown? Yeah, it doesn’t work. When your child is in full tantrum mode, they are not thinking rationally. Their little brain is in “fight or flight” mode, and words won’t get through until they’ve calmed down.
Instead of arguing or trying to explain why they can’t have cookies for dinner, focus on soothing them first. Later, when they’ve settled down, you can talk about their feelings and better choices.
Sometimes, the best way to stop a tantrum is to shift their focus. If you see one coming, try: pointing out something interesting. “Oh wow, look at that big truck outside!” You might offer them some choices like: “Would you like to walk or do you want me to carry you.” Distraction isn’t bribery; it’s a way to help their brain switch gears before a full-blown tantrum erupts.
If your child is throwing a tantrum because they really want something, the worst thing you can do is give in just to make it stop. (We’ve all been there, but trust me, it just teaches them that tantrums = rewards.)
Instead, set a firm boundary in a calm way: “I know you want the toy, but we are not getting it today.”
You don’t have to be mean, just consistent. Kids actually feel safer when they know what to expect, even if they don’t like it at the moment.
Once your child is calm, that’s when the real learning happens. Use this time to help them recognize and name their feelings: “You were really mad when I said no. It’s okay to feel mad, but we can’t throw things.” “Next time, if you feel frustrated, you can use your words or take a deep breath.”
Over time, they’ll learn to manage their emotions better, but only if we teach them how.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. If tantrums are pushing you to the edge, give yourself some grace. Parenting is hard, and no one handles every meltdown perfectly.
Find small ways to recharge yourself. Again, selfcare rituals are what is important here. Remind yourself that this phase won’t last forever.
And if you ever do lose your cool (because we’re human), don’t beat yourself up. Apologize, repair, and try again. That, in itself, is an important lesson for kids to see.
Tantrums are tough, but you are tougher. Staying calm in the chaos takes practice, but with time, patience, and a deep breath, you’ll get through this stage.
And one day, when your child is grown, you’ll look back and laugh, probably while watching them try to handle their own child’s tantrum.
Love,
Aunt B
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