Dear Aunt B, I always feel anxious at social events and tend to overthink everything I say. How do I become more comfortable in social settings?
Overthinking and Overwhelmed Dear Overthinking and Overwhelmed, My friend Sally and I used to call this behavior, “Remorse and Rumination”. Going over everything that we said and being horrified with a bunch of it.
If I had a nickel for every time I felt this way or for every person who’s felt this way, I’d be lounging on a beach right now sipping something fruity with a little umbrella. This is so common and easy to overindulge in. The good news is, you’re already braver than you think. You’re showing up to these events, even if it feels uncomfortable. That takes guts! Let’s talk about how to make these situations less nervewracking and maybe even a little fun.
Let’s start with the truth: feeling anxious at social events isn’t a character flaw; it’s a natural human response. We all want to be liked, understood, and respected. It’s just that some of us feel those needs more acutely in social settings. The key here is not to fight the anxiety or beat yourself up for having it. Accept that it’s there, and remind yourself it doesn’t define you.
You don’t need a detailed script, but a little preparation can work wonders for calming those nerves. Think about a few easy topics you can bring up if there’s a lull in conversation. These don’t need to be groundbreaking; they just need to get the ball rolling. Tr y: - “Have you seen [popular TV show or movie]?”
- “What’s the best thing you’ve read or watched recently?”
- “How do you know [host]?”
Open-ended questions work beautifully because they take the pressure off you and invite others to share. And remember, people love talking about themselves, it’s a gift to let them.
Here’s a little secret: most people are so busy thinking about themselves that they’re not scrutinizing you nearly as much as you think they are.
Instead of worrying about what you’re saying, shift your focus outward. Make it your goal to get to know the other person. Listen actively, ask followup questions, and really engage with what they’re saying. Not only does this take the spotlight off you, but it also makes you a great conversationalist.
Every social event has its little awkward moments – someone spills a drink, there’s a long pause in conversation, or two people start talking at once. Instead of overanalyzing these moments, embrace them for what they are: totally normal.
When you find yourself stumbling over your words or saying something that doesn’t land, don’t dwell on it. People aren’t keeping a mental tally of your missteps. If anything, they’ll admire your ability to laugh it off. A simple, “Well, that didn’t come out right, let me try again,” can turn around an awkward moment.
Before the event, try a couple of calming techniques: Deep breathing: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four. Repeat until your heart stops doing the cha-cha. Grounding: Focus on your five senses—what can you see, hear, touch, taste, and smell? This keeps your mind in the present moment.
Once you’re at the event, stand tall, keep your shoulders relaxed, and smile. Even if you don’t feel confident, acting the part can help trick your brain into believing it.
Not every social event has to be a grand success. You don’t need to charm the entire room or have deep conversations with everyone there. Start small. Your goal might be as simple as introducing yourself to one new person or staying for 30 minutes. Celebrate those little wins.
Oh, the stories we tell ourselves! “I sounded so dumb when I said that,” or “They probably think I’m boring.” That inner critic is the real party crasher.
When you catch yourself spiraling into negative thoughts, pause and reframe. Instead of, “I made a fool of myself,” try, “I was brave to join that conversation.” Challenge your assumptions. Chances are, no one else even noticed the things you’re obsessing over.
Social ease isn’t something you’re born with; it’s something you develop with practice. The more you expose yourself to these situations, the less intimidating they’ll feel over time. Start with smaller gatherings or people you’re comfortable with, and work your way up to bigger events.
Social anxiety isn’t something you need to “fix”; it’s just a part of who you are, and it doesn’t define your worth. By preparing a little, focusing outward, and being kind to yourself, you can find comfort and confidence in social settings. You’ve got this.
Love, Aunt B
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