I feel so out of place at work. My coworkers are all best friends, and I’m always on the outside looking in. Should I just accept it, or is there a way to fit in without trying too hard?
Dear Out of Place,
I feel this one in my bones. There’s nothing quite like walking into work every day feeling like you’re starring in a movie where everyone else knows their lines and their inside jokes. First, let me tell you this: you’re not alone. So many people feel out of place at work, even in those workplaces that look like an episode of *Friends* on the surface.
Are your coworkers genuinely tight-knit, or is it more a case of surface-level camaraderie? Sometimes people appear super close because they’ve worked together a long time or because they bond over small talk that doesn’t run very deep. If they’re close, great! But that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for you.
Now, ask yourself this: is the distance you feel because of their actions, or is it coming from within? Sometimes we unknowingly put up walls because we assume we won’t fit in. I’m not saying you’re to blame, just that we all do it, especially when we feel vulnerable. So, take a minute to figure out if they’re actively excluding you or if this is more about perception.
Fitting in doesn’t have to mean planning karaoke nights or turning into the office comedian. It’s about building small connections over time. The easiest way? Start with kindness. Compliment someone on their work or ask about their weekend. People love to feel noticed, and small conversations can open the door to bigger ones.
For example: “Hey, I noticed you always seem so organized in meetings, any tips?”
“Wow, I love your notebook! Where did you get it?”
“You mentioned your kid plays soccer. How’s their team doing?”
These little chats can plant the seeds for a genuine connection without feeling forced. Plus, it shows that you’re approachable and interested in getting to know them.
The glue of any work friendship is shared interests. Pay attention to what your coworkers talk about most - TV shows, sports, lunch spots, their dogs? If you hear a lot of buzz about the latest Netflix drama or a local restaurant, jump in! You don’t have to fake an interest, but finding genuine overlaps makes it easier to connect.
Nothing gets people talking like snacks. Bring in some cookies and say, “I made these last night and thought I’d share.” It’s a simple gesture, but people remember thoughtfulness like that.
Let’s say a coworker mentions they’re grabbing coffee later. You could say, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to check out that spot, mind if I tag along?” Or if there’s a running club, trivia night, or book exchange, see if it interests you. The key is to show you’re interested in participating without feeling like you’re forcing yourself in.
Building workplace relationships takes time. You don’t have to become best friends with everyone overnight, or at all. Not every workplace friendship will be a deep connection, and that’s okay. Focus on being approachable, kind, and authentic. Trying too hard to fit in can come off as insincere, so let things evolve naturally.
Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, and you won’t be theirs. If your coworkers are cliquey or dismissive despite your best efforts, that’s on them, not you. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and if that’s not the vibe, focus on doing your job well and finding fulfillment outside of the office.
Sometimes, feeling out of place is less about fitting in and more about how we feel about ourselves. It’s easy to think, *I don’t belong,* when the reality is you’re probably doing just fine. Remember, you bring value to your workplace simply by being you. You were hired for a reason, and you’re part of the team whether or not you’re in on the inside jokes.
Practice reminding yourself of your strengths. Whether it’s your sense of humor, your dedication, or your knack for solving problems. The more confident you feel in your own skin, the less it will matter whether you’re in the inner circle or dancing around the edges.
You don’t have to be everyone’s best friend to find your place at work. Small steps, friendly conversations, shared interests, and showing up for group activities, can help you feel more connected over time. But if your coworkers still keep their walls up, don’t let it shake you. You’re there to do great work, and sometimes the best friendships bloom where we least expect them.
In the meantime, find joy in being your amazing self. After all, who wouldn’t want to be friends with you? Trust me, they’ll come around.
Love,
Aunt B
If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@ forneymessenger. com.
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