How do I handle a friend who’s always ‘borrowing’ money but never pays me back? Am I being too generous or too much of a doormat?
Dear Generous or Doormat, Oh honey, you are definitely not alone on this one. Nothing quite tests a friendship like money, does it? It sounds like your friend has turned “borrowing” into a bit of a habit, and now you’re wondering if you’re a good friend or a soft target. I’d say a little of both, and that’s why we’ve got some work to do!
Most of us have been short on cash at one time or another. Life happens, emergencies crop up, or maybe we splurge on that “once-in-a-lifetime” concert when we really shouldn’t have. When we’re in a pinch, it’s natural to look to those close to us. But this sounds less like a one-time favor and more like a pattern. If your friend keeps coming to you with a hand out but never with cash in hand to pay you back, it’s time to consider a few things.
Ask yourself: Why are you loaning the money in the first place? Is it because you feel like it’s “the nice thing to do”, or are you worried about the awkwardness or guilt that comes with saying no? Maybe this person has a way of making you feel like you’re somehow responsible for their financial woes. Real friends respect boundaries, and they don’t want to take advantage.
If you’re saying yes just to avoid the discomfort of a “no,” you’re not alone. So many of us fall into that trap, especially when we care about someone. But it’s time to take a closer look at this generosity.
Boundaries get a bad rap, but they’re actually the best way to keep relationships healthy. Think of boundaries like a picket fence around a little garden. You’re not locking anyone out; you’re just letting people know where they can walk and where they need to step back. It’s time to set a little fence here with your friend.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as deciding that the next time your friend asks to “borrow” money, you’ll say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now.” Simple, clear, and polite. In fact, you don’t need to give reasons or excuses for why you’re not giving money this time (or next time). The fewer words, the best. The more words you use, you will start messing yourself up. Repeat this scenario as needed.
If you feel like you need to talk to your friend about how you’re feeling, it doesn’t have to be a confrontation; it’s more of a little “heart-to-heart.” You could say something like, “I’ve noticed I’ve lent you money a few times, but you haven’t paid it back yet. I’m happy to help in other ways, but I can’t keep lending money.” This lets you express your feelings without laying blame or accusing them.
This conversation might be a little uncomfortable, but a true friend will understand where you’re coming from. If they get defensive or dismissive, well, that gives you information. If they can’t handle hearing it, you might need to re-evaluate the kind of friend they are.
This one’s not easy. But if you’ve given money with the thought that “someday” it’ll be returned, you might need to change that expectation to save yourself some frustration. Think of it like this: You’ve already spent that money. Whether it’s groceries, a dinner out, or a book you’ll never read again, it’s gone. Treat the “loans” the same way. That way, you can stop feeling frustrated or hurt if they never repay it. This doesn’t mean you’ll keep giving, though! It just means you’re closing the chapter on what’s already been given.
If they’re in a tough spot, offer them something else, a listening ear, some practical advice, or even some help with a job search if that’s what they need. Not everything has to involve cash, and there are other ways to support friends.
Money should never be a litmus test for friendship, but respect definitely is. If your friend cares about you, they’ll understand your boundaries. True friends don’t put each other in uncomfortable situations or keep pushing past boundaries.
Stay kind, stay generous, but most importantly, stay true to yourself. If you need a reminder, Aunt B is here to tell you: it’s okay to say no..
Aunt B
If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@ forneymessenger. com.
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