Lady Madonna

I loathe self-help books. Yet, I have twice as many of those on my shelves as I do novels. See me, setting off on a journey that will surely lead to success. All I need is someone else’s research, someone else’s method, and someone else’s directions. Basically, I just need to be someone else. Lord knows, I’ve tried. In fact, I’ve attempted to reinvent myself more times than Madonna Louise Ciccone has put filler in her face. That’s a lot of reinvention, my friends.

Overhauling our lives is a perfectly normal part of growing. Why, even the Bible talks about the road to improvement. This painful part of our spiritual walk with God, this sanctification time, is where we’re supposed to be fraught with introspection and fine-tuning. We will never be perfect. But, we are called to keep trying, to keep examining our actions and motives and realigning them with God’s will. If you’re like me, however, you may get a little carried away with the idea of change, and for the wrong reasons.

Recently, a friend of mine posted something on Facebook that was intriguing. She wanted to know how everyone felt about goal setting. Did we feel goals were expectations that must be met or more like hopeful targets? Cement vs hard mud? Super glue vs double-sided tape? I assumed everyone would agree. Goals, according to the online version of the Merriam Webster dictionary, means the end toward which effort is directed. Nowhere in that sentence does it indicate that you will know with certainty you’ll be successful. It just alludes that you’re taking the time to aim well. Yet, the answers were varied. Many felt that unmet goals meant you really didn’t try, or that you were lazy. I immediately went into selfanalyzation mode. It’s a scary place to be.

An only child mentality suffers no fools. I grew up bereft of certain notions. Sharing, for instance, did not come naturally to me, nor did the realization that the world didn’t necessarily find me as wildly adorable as my own mother. I set out on a conquest to be globally engaging and influential. This is still a personal constitution that I fight. I don’t need to be everyone’s cup of tea. Yet, I care deeply what you think of me and how I am perceived. The adage “what other people think of you is none of your business,” while believed by me to be true, is too jagged of a pill to swallow. In my early 30s, I went through an existential crisis. Turns out, there was a book for that. Today, I refuse to open the cover, but judging by the spine and the litany of post-it notes peeking from the pages, “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Reinventing Yourself” may be the most read book I own. How deeply and embarrassingly sad. Hopefully, there’s someone out there who needs to hear these words. Social media is a double-edged sword. Sure, it’s an ornamental, ridiculously expensive sword like the ones you can buy at Medieval Times, but a sharp one, nonetheless. If I appear vulnerable, I’m attentionseeking. If I don’t appear at all, I miss out on everything from the grandchildren’s school information to my next class reunion. If I appear happy, how dare I pretend like my life is perfect? I’m clearly part of the societal problem. I’ve relegated myself to a few cursory thumbs up every now and then, plus the occasional pet photo.

Surely the keyboard warriors won’t find anything disagreeable about that. That’s the mentality behind my comment on my friend’s question about goal setting. She wanted input. I wanted peace.

“I see goals as necessary yet fluid – in a tiered concept. Their function is to nudge you into action. If my goal is to write a book, I can’t just start with that. It’s too overwhelming. ‘Write daily’ could be a goal in my bottom tier as could ‘finish an outline of a plot’. A completed chapter could be a mid-level goal. Perfectionists, like me, can easily be pummeled by goals. If you’re the person who writes a goal in wet cement and allows it to dry, what do you do when life throws you a curveball? There were years after my daughter passed away where I had to throw all my goals away. Remember to breathe became a goal. Drive your car somewhere – a huge goal. None of that was anticipated, either. I fell into an emotional void of goal failures for a long time because the normalcy of striving to complete a list of goals was all I knew. Who had I become? So, set your goals, I say. Just don’t forget to re-evaluate them when life slaps you in the face. After all, even when you think you’re failing, there is surely someone out there watching you and wishing they were capable of what you’re doing.”

These were my words, written as only an idiot who reinvented themselves many times could offer them. The world does not owe you love. That’s for your momma. Also, me – I’m on your side, too.