Ask Aunt B,

I have two grandchildren. I have definitely done more for one of them than the other. I love them both. The problem is one of them thinks I don’t love them as much, and it’s the one that I have done the most for. How do I deal with this?

Dear Grandma,

First off, let me say this: family dynamics can be tricky, especially when it comes to grandchildren. You’ve done more for one grandchild than the other, but that one thinks you love them less. That’s a tough spot to be in, but it’s not insurmountable. Love is a tricky thing—it's felt, it's shown, and sometimes, despite our best intentions, it gets misunderstood.

Start by reflecting on why you’ve done more for one grandchild. Was it because of a need they had? Were they going through a tough time? Did circumstances just happen to line up that way? Understanding your motivations can help you explain things better and might give you peace of mind.

Remember, children (and even grandchildren) can be remarkably perceptive but also prone to misunderstanding. They might see the actions you’ve taken but not the reasons behind them. So, it’s important to communicate your intentions clearly.

Have a heart-to-heart conversation with the grandchild who feels less loved. Choose a quiet, comfortable setting where you won’t be interrupted. This conversation is about them feeling heard and understood.

Start with something like, “I’ve noticed you seem to feel that I don’t love you as much as I love your sibling, and that’s really troubling to me because I love you both very much. Can we talk about it?” This opens the door for them to express their feelings. If they decline the conversation, don’t push it. You opened the door if it needs to be.

Actions speak louder than words, right? Start finding ways to show this grandchild your love in ways that resonate with them. If they love baking, spend an afternoon making cookies together. If they’re into sports, go to one of their games. The key is to engage in activities that are meaningful to them.

Make a conscious effort to be equitable in your time, attention, and resources. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture; small, consistent actions can make a big difference. For example, if you gave one grandchild a special trip, plan something special for the other one that caters to their interests. I’m not a firm believer in everything having to be even. Each of our children and grandchildren is different and needs different things at different times in their lives.

Consider establishing new traditions that include both grandchildren. Maybe it’s a monthly movie night, a regular outing, or a shared hobby. These traditions can create new, shared memories and reinforce the bond with both grandchildren.

Could you have a conversation with both grandchildren together? If you feel it is right, encourage them to understand each other’s perspectives and to see the love and care you have for both of them. Sometimes, we all need a reminder that family love isn’t a competition.

Remember that feelings, especially in young people, can be intense and sometimes irrational. Frankly, all of our feelings can be intense and irrational. Have you checked yourself, and are you sure you are reading all this emotional stuff correctly? Be patient and empathetic with you all. Acknowledge all the feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. You might say, “I understand you feel this way, and I’m sorry that you do. Let’s work on how we can make things better.”

Finally, keep the lines of communication open. Let your grandchild know they can always come to you with their feelings and concerns. This openness can prevent misunderstandings in the future and build a stronger relationship.

I know with my mother, there were times when I was pretty sure I was her favorite and other times when I knew I wasn’t. She always said she didn’t have a favorite, and I never really believed that until I had my own children. I know it may seem weird to any of you out there that don’t have children or grandchildren, but you really don’t have a favorite. Of course, there are times when one is more in your life than the other. Like we mentioned, one might need you more than the other, but “favorite” would never be a word I would use.

I had a friend that told the story of her grandmother. She said she had a knack for making each of her grandchildren feel like the favorite. She had this magical way of knowing just what each of them needed. One day, she found out she had given her cousin an old family recipe book that she had wanted. She was heartbroken. But then, her grandmother sat her down, handed her an old locket with a picture of the two of them inside, and said, “I gave him the recipes because he’s the cook in the family. I’m giving you this because it’s a piece of my heart.” That’s when she realized she loved them equally, just in different ways that suited who they were.

So, my dear, keep loving your grandkids with all your heart. With a bit of patience, open communication, and thoughtful actions, you can mend this misunderstanding and ensure both grandchildren feel equally cherished.

Love,

Aunt B

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