How do you forgive? I know and have heard you say that when we hold on to things it only hurts ourselves, but there are a few things that I just can’t let go of. Do you have a process or something that might help me?
Dear Holding on to Hurt,I am sorry that you are hurting. You sure have heard me say all those things about not giving forgiveness a chance. But I totally understand where you're coming from, so let us try to unpack a bit of it for you.
One time I came up with a 14-step plan for forgiveness. I just came across it the other day and thought to myself, “I could sure use a little bit of this in my life right now.” So here goes. Get yourself some paper. I think it is best to write down your work.
FEEL THE FEELING AND LABEL IT. Anger, hurt, sadness, regret………….
IDENTIFY WHAT HAPPENED. Write down the whole story. Take responsibility for your part in the situation. I promise there is more of your own stuff than you recognize. Of course, this is not true if you are or were a child and are dealing with trauma. That is a completely different story, and while some of these steps may help you, you were not responsible for things that others did to you when you were a child. Get help.
WHAT IS IT REALLY ABOUT? What I mean here is: are your stuck feelings just about this incident, or is more going on here? Can you identify whether this is a pattern that keeps showing up in your life or a one-time event?
IF IT IS ABOUT PAST, WHAT NEEDS TO BE HEALED? If what happened triggered you into past hurt, what needs to be healed? Start the process with any earlier situations.
WHAT ARE THE COSTS OF NOT FORGIVING? It helps to identify what holding onto this situation or incident is costing you. Your freedom, your happiness, your peace are just a few. Look closely at your specifics to really understand.
WHAT ARE THE COSTS OF FORGIVING? This is really important. What are you afraid you will give up if you forgive?
WRITE DOWN THE BENEFITS TO NOT FORGIVING. This is another way of looking at the previous steps. I think these are generally not true, but it helps to identify what is keeping you stuck.
WRITE DOWN THE BENEFITS OF FORGIVING. This is your real magic. Explore what you might do with all the time and energy that you have been wasting on the situation. Imagine the light that can fill this place of darkness.
WHAT DOES FORGIVING MEANORLOOKLIKE? Remember, it doesn’t mean you have to open yourself up to further pain. Some people believe that you must forget the incident. Of course, that is ridiculous. You aren’t giving yourself a lobotomy. Your goal is to release the pain and move on. How will you know if you have forgiven?
WHAT IF IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU? Even though in your heart you were a big player in the situation you are working on, there is a big possibility that it really had nothing to do with you. I know that is a hard one. Hurting people generally hurt others. You might have just gotten caught in the crossfire.
CAN YOU STEP INTO HAPPINESS VS BEING RIGHT? Yes, please. I want more of this in my life. When I allow myself this step, I feel immediate release. WHAT DO YOU NEED NOW? More than likely, this is something that only you can give yourself. Searching for an apology or someone else to remove your pain is just keeping it alive.
DAILY: SET INTENTION, DECIDE, COMMIT TO FORGIVE, UNTIL NO LONGER ISSUE. This is not a one and done exercise. Every time the situation comes into your head, repeat, “I no longer give this my peace.” Repeat as many times as necessary. Your brain will get tired of it, eventually.
IF NEED BE, GET HELP.
Love,Aunt B
If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@ forneymessenger. com.
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