How do I make myself clear when I communicate with people in my life? I feel like I am clear, but those I deal with continually say that I wasn’t clear or I didn’t tell them things, I am sure I already have. It sometimes seems surreal but I really want to fix this. I would think that it is the other person's problem, but more than one person has complained about this to me. Help!!
Dear Not Being Heard,
Ah, the age-old conundrum of 'Why do people tell me I don't communicate well?' I would imagine if you ask a room full of people if they felt like others understood their conversation or if they understood others’ conversion, there would not be a single individual that didn’t feel one way or the other.
So let’s look into this phenomena on a deeper level. Communication is as much about listening as it is about speaking. It’s about understanding and being understood, a dance of words and silence, really. And just like any dance, it takes two to tango, but it also takes practice not to step on each other's toes. First off, silence is difficult for most people. Between the experience of quickly trying to fill the silence and our poor listening habits, it’s almost a miracle that we communicate with others at all.
When folks say you don't communicate well, it might sting a bit, but it's a golden nugget of feedback. Maybe it's your tone, perhaps it's the volume, or it could be the timing. Are you remembering to listen as much as you speak? Or maybe your words are getting lost in translation—not everyone speaks the same emotional language, after all.
Let’s take a little story from my days before I became everyone’s go-to advice aunt. I had a friend, let's call her Sally. Sally was as sweet as pie but quieter than a mouse in a library. People often misunderstood her silence for disinterest or her feeling that she was better than the rest of us. None of this was true at all. It wasn’t until she learned to sprinkle her conversations with nods and little affirmations that folks really began to feel connected to her.
To fix this little snag, consider these steps: Active Listening: This is not just waiting for your turn to speak. It’s about really hearing what the other person is saying. Nod your head, throw in a thoughtful 'uh-huh,' and maybe repeat some of what you heard for clarity. This is so important; it helps to clear up misconceptions before they go awry.
Clear & Concise: Rambling is a no-go. Keep your messages clear and to the point. If you’re prone to meandering through stories (like I do sometimes), try to keep a mental note to stick to the main trail. There is often a clue that you have wandered off. When you look around and people are no longer making eye contact or interacting, you have probably lost them.
Non-Verbal Cues: A lot of communication is non-verbal. Are your arms always crossed, or do you fidget a lot? These little things can send signals you don’t mean to send. Open posture and a warm smile go a long way.
Feedback: After a chat, especially an important one, ask for feedback. Say something like, 'Did that make sense?' or 'How do you feel about this?' It shows you care about the conversation and helps clear up any misunderstandings right away.
Remember, improving communication takes patience, attention, and a bit of daily practice to improve. Keep your chin up, apply these tips, and soon, you'll be communicating like a champ.
Love,Aunt B
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