Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I am doing pretty good. Don’t get me wrong, I have life issues like the rest. Can you help me deal with my adult children’s issues? I thought the terrible twos were bad, but this is that on steroids. I need help.

Dear Parent of the Year, Navigating the ups and downs of parenting adult children can indeed feel like the 'terrible twos' on steroids. But don't fret; many parents find themselves in this frustrating time, wondering how to offer support without overstepping boundaries. It's a delicate dance between guiding them and letting them find their own way.

First off, it's crucial to recognize that your adult children are navigating their own life paths, complete with their own challenges and lessons to learn. I personally believe most of us blame ourselves for all their challenges. This could not be further from the truth, but it is a difficult mindset to escape. This is where most of your own work should be done.

You can be involved in assisting them if they ask. Your role must shift more towards being a supportive consultant rather than a manager. Listening becomes your superpower. When they come to you with issues, offering an empathetic ear without immediately jumping to solve their problems will empower them to find their own solutions.

Setting clear boundaries is also key. It's okay to let your adult children know what kind of support you can offer, whether it's emotional, financial, or otherwise, and what you expect in return in terms of respect and communication. Remember, you're still their parent, but you're also individuals with your own needs and limits. Once you have set these boundaries, it is very, very important that you stick with them. What you teach them if you don’t stick with your boundaries is that you actually don’t have any boundaries. You teach them just to keep pushing past your first refusal until you cave.

The hardest job in this journey is to resist the urge to rescue them from every predicament. I know, you know, letting them deal with their own problems is how they grow up and how we all grew up but dang it’s hard. Thankfully my parents were masters of this. Share your wisdom when asked, but also trust their capacity to navigate their own lives. Sometimes, the best support you can give is to believe in their ability to solve their problems. I know, I can hear you talking to me, “I don’t trust their ability.” Believe me, they can sense that you don’t trust them, and that is another layer in this issue. How do you trust when they haven’t solved their own problems in the past?

Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. It's easy to get so wrapped up in your children's issues that you neglect your own wellbeing. Ensure you have your own fulfilling life. Engage in hobbies, connect with friends, and seek out your own adventures. Remember you want to teach them what a happy, balanced parent looks like. Someday they will be facing this challenge as well.

Finally, remember every family is unique. What works for one may not work for another. Be patient with yourself and your children as you navigate this phase. As I hopefully always tell you, it’s okay to seek support from friends, a support group, or a professional if you can't find the balance.

Love, Aunt B

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