ASK AUNT B

Dear Aunt B,

I compare myself to others all the time. I never measure quite up to the ones I compare with. This leaves me feeling like a loser. How can I stop this comparison thing?

Dear Never Measure Up, So interesting that this question comes in now. I have just very recently changed my opinion on comparing yourself to others.

I, like you, used to spend a great deal of time comparing myself to others. Now, just to be clear, I did this comparison in a very calculated manner. I would look for the best example of what I wanted and then I would compare my meager results to the best-case scenario. Wow, talk about a clear-cut way to spend a large amount of time disapproving of myself and being disappointed in my life and performance. Remember what Aunt B tells you, “You can’t beat yourself better.” So where did this comparison leave me? Nowhere near where I wanted to be and not really motivated to be more. After all, I was so far down the ladder, why try, right?

Ok, this is one thing that is wrong with comparing yourself to others. However, I have recently discovered a possible benefit to some comparisons. I never thought I would say that. I am actually a little surprised at myself for even writing it.

Here goes. What better way of helping yourself figure out what you want than looking at what your natural responses to others are? So to get this straight, if I am always comparing myself to thin individuals (not saying that’s true, oh heck yes that is true), what does that tell me? I want to be thinner, duh. I’m sure that didn’t come as a big surprise to you all. I can hear you now, Aunt B, tell us something we don’t know.

Well, here is the magic. It is not the comparison that is the problem. It is, as usual, what you do next.

So it goes something like this:

•I see a thin person. I approve of the thinness.

•I tell myself this is what I like. This is what I desire. What do I need to do to get this?

•I set out on my plan to accomplish what I desire.

Compare this to what could be your current plan of action:

•I see a thin person.

•I make up a story in my mind. “They are probably not nice,” or “Boy, it must be nice to have such a fast metabolism,” or “I bet they don’t eat anything,” or “I'm sure this is so easy for them,” or a myriad of other excuses and mindless crap that your mind can send.

There is no need to make a plan here because of another myriad of reasons that my crazy mind might come up with. “I'm too lazy,” or “I have no willpower,' or “I can ever lose weight, no matter what I do,” or ______ . All of the above are just stories that you have made up in your mind and keep telling yourself. Keeping all these lies active in your mind.

Use this example with any topic when you are comparing yourself to others. Go for option one. Use the data you receive to work for you, not to work against you.

Don’t disapprove of others that have what you want. What kind of a message is that sending? If you disapprove of something, why would you approve of it for yourself?

On the dark side of comparing, we never compare with realistic options. As you all know this, we all forget it at times. You have no idea what another person’s story is. Just do you, and it is good to get crystal clear on what that is you want to do.

Love, Aunt B

If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@ forneymessenger. com.