Ask Aunt B

B Dear Aunt B, I have been the major caretaker for my mother, and I am not complaining. She has passed away, and I am truly sad about that. My problem is that I am also relieved, and I feel so guilty about that relief.

Sad and Tired

Dear Sad and Tired, I am sorry for your loss. Sweetheart, I can promise you are not alone on this one. I wish I had a magic wand to wipe out guilt. With the holidays upon us, I am sure you will have a plethora of emotions flooding your sweet soul. Take a deep breath and just do your best. Be kind to yourself and grab any bit of joy you can find.

Guilt is an interesting thing. Most things that are really guilt-worthy good people never do. This is because they are performed by people who don’t really experience guilt. According to Wikipedia (not the best source) guilt is a moral emotion that occurs when a person believes or realizes accurately or not that they have compromised their own standard of conduct or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation. Wow, that's a big definition. Maybe a better one is guilt is an emotion that is uncomfortable. Generally, one feels guilt when a person believes that they are responsible for something that offended or hurt someone else. Therein lies the problem: some people feel responsible for everything that happens to everyone. Pretty powerful and heavy emotion to burden yourself with.

All emotions are meant to last about 90 seconds and then be processed through. Now the processing, that’s another story for a later date. This is not usually the case for guilt. It has a way of grabbing hold of us. It is never productive, and people, when they find themselves upon this emotion, feel double guilty if they let the guilt go. What does this do? It just layers more guilt on top of guilt. Only way I know to stop it is to just stop it. Every time it pops into your head, forgive yourself for everything and think of a better thought. It doesn’t have to be a fairytale and rainbow thought, just something a bit better. Repeat this as often as you need. Eventually the guilt will tire of itself and allow you to move on. Sounds simple, I know, but it takes strength and a strong will.

Back to your issue. You are using an emotion to deal with an emotion. This is pretty common but ineffective. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that are flooding within you. Of course you are sad. When you question the emotion that brings on the guilt, just remember that is your mind trying to mess you up. The mind isn’t necessarily mean-spirited, it is just hardwired for the negative. Back in the day, way back, this was how it protected us. The only way I know to bring your brain up to the present time is to spend some time and challenge some of the crazy thoughts. Try not to get into a real battle with your brain. Just thank it without a big challenge and move on to as happy a thought as you are capable. It takes time and some effort (who am I kidding, a big effort) but you have this and can survive the battle. And of course you are relieved. It is hard work taking care of loved ones. It is often a thankless job and takes a great deal out of you. The time is now to rest and rejuvenate yourself.

Love, Aunt B

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