Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I have grandchildren that I want to spend time with. I actually get very little time with them. The other grandparents seem to have unlimited time. When I ask for more time, I am told that they are very busy and there just isn’t any more time available. The next thing I know, I hear about something where they have spent spontaneous time with the other grandparents and had so much fun.

Feelings Hurt Dear Feelings Hurt, Wanting to spend more time with your grandchildren is natural and a sign of how much you love them. It is a very sensitive subject when anyone feels like they are not being treated equally. As usual, communication is the key, but this is a delicate topic and can easily come off as if you are complaining, which won’t help your predicament. I'm sure you have but I would challenge you to get as creative as you can in opening up time and situations to be with your grandchildren.

Have you given thought into why this disparity exists? Is it possible that the other grandparents live closer or have a more open schedule? It is easy to overlook these circumstances when our feelings are already hurt. This can help your understanding, or I suppose it can also add fuel to your flame. Either way, it is good to know if there are legitimate reasons.

Your next step would be to talk to your children. Explain that you love your grandchildren and would sure love to have more time with them. I would keep the other grandparents having more time out of this conversation. That conversation would be confrontational and not help your cause. If they have reasons that more time isn’t available for you, try hard to listen to the reasons and not assume that their reasoning is bogus. Reflect on your time requests: are they realistic and fair?

Take a look at your behavior. Why do you think this is happening? Are you flexible with your time and your request? Do you spend time complaining to your children about not having enough time? This is a surefire way to accomplish exactly what you don't want.

Focus on the time you do have. Make sure you plan for quality time. Have your time together special and memory making. Offer to babysit which can help your children as well. Suggest activities that interest your children as well as your grandchildren. Don't bring drama into your time together. Create some traditions with your children. You may want to invite the other grandparents at times as well. This can build family relations and hopefully your invitations will be reciprocated.

Bottom line: be fun to be around. Everyone including our children and our grandchildren want to be around people who are fun. I am not saying you are not fun. Just look at your time together as fun-making time.

I understand your feelings are hurt, but keep your goal in mind. Your goal is to have more time and fun with your grandchildren and, like it or not, your children are who have control over this. Good luck.

Love, Aunt B

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