Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B, I feel that my relationship is changing. I’m not sure if it is bad, but it is really different. Is it normal for relationships to change? What do I do to make sure it is on the right track?

Change: Good or Bad? Dear Change: Good or Bad?

Have you discussed this with your partner? The first step should always be communication. If this is a problem, then you definitely do have a problem. Communion is the core to any relationship. If you haven’t discussed this, then I would ask you why not? Are you afraid of the answer? Do you know how to start the conversation? If there is fear around this situation, then I will venture to guess that the change isn’t optimal. Either way, you must talk about it or I promise it will change faster and quicker than you can imagine.

All relationships change. Everything changes. So it isn’t the change that worries me; it’s the direction. Good on you for taking this seriously and wanting to address it.

Let’s think for a bit not about how your relationship was or how it is currently, but on how you would like it to be now. What do you want in your relationship? I’m not sure it does any good to look back and see where or if it went off; just start with today. I have some different beliefs about focusing on what's wrong versus focusing on what is working. I always want to know what is working. So let’s start there. What is working well in your relationship? Make a list and keep adding to your list. The more you focus on what is working, the more you will find that works.

To your list, add all the new things you would like to bring into your relationship. Do you want more intimacy? Do you want more laughter? Do you want more fun? Do you want more conversation? Remember you get to pick what you want in your life, so start picking. And then you have something to work on. Again, communicate this with your partner. What do they want in the relationship? Do they have other things they want to bring to the table?

You did mention that you weren't sure the changes were bad. We should explore what you mean by that. Is it just change in general that frightens you? Have you always been uncomfortable with change? Many people are uncomfortable with change. Change calls for different behaviors from us. We all get comfortable behaving the same way and when that is threatened it can cause some anxiety. Explore with yourself and your partner if this is what is concerning you. Remember everything changes and most of the time that is exactly what we want and need. This can be a great time to reinforce what is working and spice it up a bit. Things don’t have to be bad to make some fun changes.

Please don’t throw away a good relationship because it has changed. It is never too late to rekindle a good relationship. If you need professional help, don’t hesitate.

Love, Aunt B

If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@ forneymessenger. com.