Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B, Someone I love is going through some hard times. How can I help? I just want to fix things.

Can I help?

Dear Can I help?, Of course you can help. However, you can’t fix things. So what can you do?

The very first thing I would suggest you do is trust that your loved one is strong. They will deal with what they are going through and come out on the other side. Understanding that and knowing they are not weak will be the best place for you to be. We all love the support and caring others have for us, but no one wants to be seen by others as incapable of handling their own stuff. And by the way, YOU can only handle your own stuff. So start by handling your own stuff. I don’t mean making this about you. I mean deal with your own emotions. Have you ever wanted to talk through something but not with your loved one because, if you talked about it with them, you would (or it would feel like) be forced to deal with their emotions as well as your own?

If you do sit down with your loved one, just listen! Hard, I know, and sometimes downright impossible but you must master this. This will not be your time to teach or to lecture; just listen. Let your loved one say any dang thing they want. Let them curse, blame, scream, yell, anything. If you can’t handle that, then don’t sit down with them.

Offer words similar to, “I understand what you must be feeling” and “I understand how hard this must be”. Never offer your wise words of wisdom unless you are asked for them. At the beginning, I would not offer any wisdom even if you are asked. It would be more helpful if you gave the question right back to them and asked them how they felt they should deal with this.

This is not the time to point out all the good things that exist for them. This is not the time to give them the infamous ”at least” statements. You know what I am talking about. “At least…” and then naming all the worse things that could be going on. Think about it. Does that ever make you feel better? I go back to paragraph number 2, JUST LISTEN. Do not say much unless you are asked questions. Even then, be careful to not give advice at this point or maybe any point. We all must come up with our own answers. I know it is difficult to watch one we love struggling with anything, but the only real answers come from within, not from others.

Be patient; don’t expect this to be over within a minute. Dealing with issues is an up and down process. Please never tell someone to get over something. Again, where can that possibly help? Think about it: “Oh, great advice. I hadn’t thought of that, but now that you mention it, I will do just that.” Not a good idea. Later, and I mean later, if you feel that your friend is holding on and unable to heal, you could ask something like, “Can I do anything to help you ease through this?” or “What do you need from me?” or a myriad of things, but again no advice unless asked for. Continue to check in with your loved one. If you feel that the individual is unable to move past, you could ask them if they feel the need to talk to a professional. Remind them that there is no shame in reaching out to someone that can help them process through emotions.

Practice self-care for yourself and remind your loved one to take good physical care of him or herself as well. Good sleep, movement, hydration, and great nutrition help us all deal with the difficult.

Remember, being a good friend and loved one doesn’t mean you have all the answers to others’ issues. Being there and holding space for those we care about is the best thing to do.

Love, Aunt B

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