Dear Aunt B, My girlfriend just broke up with me. I thought we were in love forever. It ended very quickly, and I am very confused. Two days earlier we were planning our future. We do have some history and share some very important things. My heart is broken, and I just want others to convince her she is making a mistake. What should I do?
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken, I am sorry that your heart is broken. I do understand you wanting help pleading your case, but I do caution you against that. When things are not quite as raw as they are now, you will not want a relationship where anyone has to convince anyone to be with you. I promise that is not who you are. My wish for you is to cherish yourself more.
What about this relationship and her made this so special? Take time and write out exactly what you loved about her and the relationship you had. Elaborate on all the good, keep track, remember. This may make you sad a bit, but you can handle that. Feel the sadness, and then let it go. Hold onto feelings that feel good more than feelings you don’t like. Focus on whatever you need to feel good feelings.
Relationships may not be what you focus on at this time because that will bring you to sadness. Focus on anything that brings you happiness. At this point, I imagine that your heart is saying she is the only one who can make you happy. Not true, just not true. If she is the only thing that brings you happiness, this very thing points out the fact that you have your own work to do. It is always dangerous to give anyone that kind of power over you. It also makes you very needy, and that is not necessarily very appealing. Think about it: who do you like to be around more, people that are strong in their own right or people that cling onto you for their own self-worth? I know you know the answer to this. This situation is just clouding your vision. I 100% guarantee you, if you open yourself up to this process, there is someone out there for you who is even more (I know you don’t believe this right now) perfect for you. Keep up this process. Maybe even have a jar and anytime you think of something you want in a relationship, write it down and put it in the jar. Might sound stupid but it works.
Also make your list of what didn’t work in this relationship. When you recognize those things, spend some time focusing on what would have made this better. For instance, maybe you lived too far away. The positive of that would be, living close enough to be together more. Put that in your jar. Don’t get too caught up on how it might come about. Just change your focus from heartbreak to what you desire. Be open to however those desires come about.
You may be feeling like you won’t open your heart up again to anyone else. If so, that would be a big mistake. Believing that there is only one person that will make you truly happy is a big mistake. Especially when this relationship isn’t working out. You may be asking, “What if she changes her mind and comes back?” And to that question, I say, great if you still want that relationship. It is a big mistake to wait around for anyone. I am not necessarily saying to jump into a new relationship before you process this one. Just don’t close yourself off from one either.
The biggest revenge (I don’t really mean revenge) would be to become everything you ever wanted to become. I am not saying everything she wants you to be, but what you want to be. These could be different. Becoming all you want to be will attract that very special person that wants you the way you truly are.
You have this. Don’t freak out with the pain you are feeling, it will pass.
Love, Aunt B
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