Dear Aunt B, I have three children. They fight all the time. I feel as if I am doing something very, very wrong. Shouldn’t they automatically love each other?
Too Much Fighting Dear Too Much Fighting, Of course, they more than likely love each or at least they will at some time when they grow up. Liking each other is a different story. It is completely normal for siblings to fight. I know my brothers, sisters, and I sure did. I could say some bad things about them, but I sure didn’t like it when anyone else talked bad about them.
There are so many factors involved in this equation. How old are your children? What are their age differences? Their different personalities can be difficult. Each child is their own unique person even though they share the same parents.
Spend some quality alone time with each of your children. Your children might be just trying to get your attention. I know this is difficult with the busy lives we live. Even if it is a very small amount of time, it is very important. During this time, you might assess if there are any more serious differences between each of your children. This is the time to get to know your children better and also understand their differences which will help you help them with their fighting.
How do you handle conflict with your partner and with each child? They are watching you. They will always learn more from watching you and modeling your behavior than anything that you tell them.
Teach them communications skills. When children learn about negotiation and win-win solutions in their interactions with their siblings, you are teaching them more than just how to get along. Have conversations about perceptions and different perspectives. This will teach them to understand and appreciate others. Conflict resolution is a great skill and will only help them with life in the future. Arguing and fighting very seldom reaches positive solutions. Listening to each other and understanding the different points of view works much better.
I always like to give positive reinforcement more than negative reinforcement. So, praise and reward good behaviors like whenever you catch them interacting well and cooperating with each other.
Don’t step in the middle of every argument that ensues. However, there are times when it will be appropriate and necessary. Mediate the situation when needed. Keep calm and listen to all sides. Discuss compromises and possible resolutions to their issues. Model conversation skills that you want to see them repeat.
Boundaries are other important skills to teach your children. Sorry, mom or dad, your work is never done. I hate boundaries and have had some problems teaching them myself. I generally tried to fix everything for my children. Not the best advice, so do as I say not as I did. Either way, boundaries are a really big deal. I can’t think of a better learning environment for teaching boundaries than at home with brothers and sisters.
If these issues become serious and/or violent, get professional help. Professionals can give you individual strategies and can also help assess if what you are dealing with is normal sibling rivalry. There can always be something bigger going on, so check it out if things escalate.
Love, Aunt B
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