Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B, I think I am a weak person. I don’t like to admit it, but I believe I let my emotions run me. I see people that seem to be able to hold up to big things, and little things send me running. Do you think I can get stronger emotionally?

Running Scared Dear Running Scared, Yes, of course you can get emotionally stronger. I think it is a very good goal, and I know with the desire you can make it happen. You know, we really can change most anything we put our minds to. Many things just come down to the habits we practice.

First, it is a good idea to remind yourself that your emotions can’t kill you. Mishandling your emotions can definitely lead to stress which is probably what you are experiencing and why you want to make this change. Once we realize they won’t kill us, we can handle a little discomfort in teaching ourselves new ways to deal and process emotions.

Emotions are there to serve us. They are internal barometers of what is going on inside of us. We really do want to experience all of our emotions. We think we want just the good ones, but that isn’t true for our health. The problems come when we have old stuffed emotions and when we don’t process current emotions, just continuing to stuff them and compound them with the old ones.

Start with some writing. When I feel ________________, I ______________. An example of this might be “Once I feel anxious, I reach for a candy bar.” Keep your notebook close by so you can start to recognize your patterns. I’m sure there are patterns you are already aware of; write those down as well. This is one of those practices that you want to keep up, surprising yourself with the clarity that will come. Once you have identified some of your patterns, start the process of identifying what you would rather do. One example might be, “Once I recognize I feel anxious, I will identify the feeling and do some deep breathing.” Will you still sometimes reach for the candy bar? Of course. That is where your kindness to yourself comes in. Remember, no more beating yourself up. Pay attention, watch what works and what doesn’t. Make changes when things don’t work.

Remember that relief from the feeling at hand isn’t your only goal here. Take the example of the candy bar we spoke of earlier: the candy bar will give you relief from the feeling of anxiety. Food works; that is why we use it so frequently. Actually food works so fast for me that it became my go-to for dealing with anxiety. The problem is that calming the feelings we experience isn’t where the goal lies. What we want is to get the message that our feelings are trying to tell us and learn healthy coping skills to handle situations in our life with ease and grace.

Always remember if this is something that you can’t handle by yourself, there is no shame in getting professional help. I believe when you recognize you need professional help and get it, you should be proud of yourself.

Love, Aunt B

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