Ask Aunt B

B

Dear Aunt B, Barely three weeks in and I have already failed miserably with new starts for this year. I understand why people don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but I was hopeful for some new starts.

Failed Again

Dear Failed Again, Honey, it’s a little early to proclaim yourself a failure. Every new day is a new start. I do understand how you feel. Does it help that most of everyone is feeling the same as you right now? No, I didn’t think so, but it should. Not that it is good to compare, just that it is so normal. This way of setting yourself up for failure should stop.

How do you do something different? One day at a time. Just try different ways to change your behaviors until you find one that works for you.

What are some simple non-threatening ways to change behaviors for good?

As much as I hate this answer and have fought it every single time someone has tried to suggest it to me, start small and start with one thing. Dang, I can hear myself now. “That just doesn’t work for me. I don’t like to start small. If I can’t tell a big difference quickly, I won’t stay with it.” Those have been all my excuses for years. I just have never had the patience to go at anything slow. This has not worked well for me. I have tried variations of the small step method, one small step in many different things. This has worked better for me but may be the same dysfunctional thinking.

My husband and I have started a new habit since the new year. He is extremely good at building new habits in his life, so I have let him take charge, kinda. We are learning Tai Chi. We must do it every day, but just a small amount. Now here is the interesting part. We have actually missed two days, and he has not let that be an excuse for stopping. Isn’t that interesting? He has not labeled us failures or allowed us to stop altogether. Wow, I would have thought we would have stopped, shocker for those of you that might know him. You see, I didn’t think he would even miss one day and, since we did, I assumed he wasn’t that interested and we would quit. Oh, no we haven’t quit. The next day he just said, “We need to do Tai Chi”. Ok then, let’s do Tai Chi. No shame for missing two days, just picking it right back up. Novel idea.

I know I am a broken record with this, but - sorry, not sorry - I will continue to harp on this one. Believe you me, I am still talking to myself on this one as well. I have made leaps and bounds of improvement here, but still it lingers. “BE KIND TO YOURSELF.” Nothing and no one deserves to be talked to or about like we do when we beat ourselves up. How about that for a start? The new small behavior that I suggest you implement in your life starting today is to be kind to yourself. Do one small thing every day and build on it every day. If you miss a day, no big deal. Start again tomorrow. Add this to the gratitude practice we talk about all the time, and I believe your year will change. At the end of 2023, I believe you will have made big strides on things that are really important to you.

Let’s try it. I’m game. I will let you know how it goes.

Love, Aunt B

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