B Dear Aunt B, I have been dating a man for five years. I don’t feel like I am a priority much of the time. He is older than me and always been single. He is emotionally unavailable. However he does seem to be making some progress. How long should I wait for the change I need?
Running out of Patience Dear Running out of Patience, Waiting for someone to change is never a great idea, in my opinion. When people show us who they are, we should listen. I’m sure you know you can’t change other people. Yes, it is true, people can change. Natural consequences of behavior are the major prerequisite to making changes. When I don’t like what happens when I do anything, I will change what I do. So yes, your behavior can assist in changing others’ behavior. But I think this is a very backwards way to getting the desired change you want in your relationship. Let me give you an example. Say you decide to get clear on what you actually want in a relationship. You share those desires and make it clear that they are not negotiable. If the person in question is capable of making the changes and desires the relationship to continue and move to the next level enough, they can and will make those changes. The problems start with your behavior. If you are in the habit of making claims and not staying true to yourself, you have taught the other person that you won’t follow through with your threats. I don’t like using the word “threat” because that is not even the energy of the conversation that I would hope you had with your person. The point is, you must do what you say you will do, or you teach them that you are not really serious. You are teaching them that it is ok to continue with old behaviors, and you will complain for a time and then move on with everything staying the same. The second type of problem you can run into is some people are just not willing or capable of making the changes you desire. This could be because of unprocessed emotional issues or just differences in how people want to live their lives.
I believe your best bet would be to get very clear on 100% of what you want. There will be things that are non-negotiable and then of course some compromise. Start with perfect: what would be perfect? You may not get perfect, and that’s ok. You are not a baby that will sit in the corner and suck your thumb if you don’t get every single thing you desire. However, if you don’t know 100% what you want, you have a 100% chance of NOT getting anywhere close to what you desire. I feel it is important to tell you, I think you can get 100% of what you want but most important you have to know what that is. Next step, work on your limiting beliefs. Those limiting beliefs that you don’t deserve what you want or the belief that there are not any good ones left or the belief that it is wrong to get exactly what you want. Believing that person doesn’t exist will make it impossible to find them. Step up your game, get clear and go for what you desire. You deserve it, and I promise it is so worth it.
Love, Aunt B
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