Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I have a friend who is extremely insecure and often tries to compensate for that by attempting to show the world that he is perfect. He collects the best and the first of everything, plans unrealistic trips to show his friends he lives in the most magnificent place on earth, it goes on and on. Unfortunately, he gets caught up in the minutia, and when he can’t control everything and everyone he’s desperate to make happy, he sometimes becomes angry and says things that he claims he didn’t mean. We all love this guy, but it makes it hard to spend a lot of time with him. What should we do?

Sincerely, Frustrated in Franklin Dear Frustrated in Franklin, I’m sure sorry if you had an experience that forced this question. I know this kind of thing can really hurt and make you question what really happened. I believe the most important thing to realize is that you didn’t have much to do with the situation.

We all have insecurities. I sure know that I do. Sometimes those insecurities do cause us to do things that we should not do and wouldn’t do if those insecurities weren’t rearing their ugly heads. However, this still doesn’t mean that it is ok for anyone to take out those insecurities on you or anyone else. That being said, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. So I guess the question is, what do you do?

Is this a one-time event or a pattern? One time is one thing, and the continuing pattern is another. We have all made mistakes and shown our you-know-what before. If you love the person, then forgiveness is the thing to do.

If this is a pattern, then I believe different actions are required - a conversation at the very least. The conversation should be about your boundaries, not their insecurities. I would have that conversation later when emotions are not running high. At the time, I would remove myself as quickly as possible and try not to respond to your friend. Just like any disagreement, or fight per se, nothing good and productive can take place. It is always better for the person with the ability at the time to take the high road and just remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.

When the time for the conversation comes, be clear that that behavior is not acceptable to you. Conversations might sound like: “ I don’t appreciate when you talk mean to me or treat me poorly.” Their response could be something like: “You know I don’t mean it; I love you,” or “I don’t know what you are talking about.” Either one of those responses is not acceptable. I wouldn’t argue with them. I would restate my original statement. “I don’t appreciate when you talk mean to me or treat me poorly. Don’t do it again.” Say it firmly and stop the conversation. If they continue to argue with you, again be firm and state the same thing. Don’t tolerate any excuse or denial. Don’t make claims to the validity of your request, just restate your exact statement. Any discussion about the situation at this point is just an exercise in diluting and confusing the previous situation. This confusion of the situation has worked very well in the past for people. It tends to leave the person (you) just questioning themselves and therefore works for your friend and the situations will continue.

We do teach people how to treat us. This is the way we teach them.

Love, Aunt B

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