Ask Aunt B

B

Dear Aunt B, Do families always fight when their loved ones pass away? I am really hurting about losing a family member and, with all the crazy going on, I am afraid I will lose more. How can I stay sane with all the fuss?

Lost in Grief

Dear Lost in Grief, No, families do not always fight when loved ones pass away. It does happen more often than you would think. Even in very close families, there are often some tense moments or days. Remember, this is a very emotional time. We don’t always see clearly when we are sitting in our emotions. There is no way out of the emotional mess that we go through when our loved ones die. Our best bet is just to survive for a while and try not to get in messes with our other loved ones.

Remember people often have physical pain as well as emotional pain. Pain and grief can and will interfere with sleep and eating habits which will make you more vulnerable to emotional issues as well.

Don’t assume you know the only way to grieve. We all grieve in our own way. Grieving is extremely personal. Each member has their own time frame for grief. You may not have even begun your grieving, and it seems like others are moving on. This can lead to misunderstandings and further issues within your family.

Past grievances can resurface causing increased tensions. Oftentimes family members could be dealing with unfinished business that exists with the loved one that passed away, which makes things even more difficult. Expect this time to be wrought with a roller coaster of emotions.

Have a plan. Often we can experience a loss of control when someone passes, and this can lead us to take control of things that we don’t even realize. Again, leading to misunderstandings. So plan for how you will not only handle the circumstances but how you will deal with the emotions.

The jobs that are needed will never be completely divided equally. Sometimes nowhere near equal. I know when my parents passed away, my brother did most of it. I know that I didn’t do anything because I am not in the area. I was very appreciative but did feel guilty most of the time. I know he was happy to do it but I’m sure felt pressure most of the time. Again, none of all this makes for easy times.

Words to focus on are love, compromise, compassion, respect, and honesty. When I say honesty, I don’t mean now is the time to express all your feelings to others. Some of those feelings are grief of the moment and will pass. Feelings are best dealt with on your own.

Take it day by day, and try not to hold on to issues that arise.

There are family grief counselors. Check with your church or community resources.

I think when you are ready, it might be a good time to get your final wishes in place. Knowing what you know now, how might you make the time after your passing easier for the ones you leave behind?

Then there are the families that didn’t get along to begin with, Don’t count on that getting better during this time.

I am sorry for your loss.

Love, Aunt B

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