B Aunt B, I can’t find contentment. My kids, my family, my job always leave me longing for something else. Most days are spent daydreaming instead of appreciating what I have. How do I find happiness and appreciation in my life?
Lost Wanderer
Dear Lost Wanderer, Contentment is complicated.
What is the meaning of contentment in life anyway? Some synonyms of contentment are fulfillment, satisfaction, gratification, pleasure, peace, and ease. I think that might just complicate the issue, but it could help you to identify your discontentment and where the issue does exist. Contentment means to be happy with what you have, who you are, and where you are. It is respecting the reality of the present. It is appreciating what you do have and where you are in life.
Focusing on the issue that your lack of contentment is with kids, family, and job: I don’t want to be harsh but when this has happened to me - and it has - it was further complicated by the fact that there was no escaping the discontentment because wherever I might go, I would take me with me. In other words, my issue was with me. It reminds me of a phone call I received years ago from my mother. She said, “I woke up this morning and realized I was the only sane person in the whole world. And then I realized I had better get some help because that probably wasn’t true.” She went to the doctor, and hormones were her issue. Always important to check with your healthcare provider and make sure there is not a medical reason for what is going on with you.
So, my advice is to first look within. What is going on with you? Is this new? Has something happened that you could identify that could be addressed directly? What is this discontentment trying to tell you? What you focus on increases, so it will help to begin a gratitude practice.
Can’t you just strong arm yourself to be happy? NO. Appreciating what you have is not something that comes naturally. You would think it should, right? I wish it did. We, as a species, naturally look at what is wrong more than what is right. The good news is that you can change that. Understanding that you are not alone and that there is not something wrong with you helps. Don’t get me wrong, some people are more natural at the happiness thing. I have always been jealous of them, but that is more of the same problem we are discussing, isn’t it? “Why me? Why can’t I be happy like everyone else? Poor me.”
Gratitude practices help. Begin by just writing anything you can think to be happy and content about. It will seem condescending at first, but just start simple. I try to begin every morning writing 10 things I am thankful for. Sometimes they are lame, those things that are important but we generally taken for granted (clean water, fresh air). Usually even if I start with those things, I do progress into more personal deeper appreciations.
Get outside of yourself. Focus on helping someone else. Helping someone less fortunate than yourself is good, however it can make you feel guilty and worse about yourself for complaining about your own life. That is not the goal. Remember, beating yourself up and disapproving of yourself is never the answer. Focusing on another and helping just feels good. If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it. If it doesn’t feel good, it is a sign that you have not taken enough care of yourself. You can’t give from an empty bucket and feel good about it. What do you do for self-care? Many feel that is foolish, but if you don’t take care of yourself, things eventually go terribly wrong.
What do your daydreams entail? Are they longings that you can still implement into your life? Do you want to go back to school? Do you want to travel? Do you want to start a new business? What can you do today to begin being more of who you want to be?
Love, Aunt B
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