BDear Aunt B,I have a family member that I do not speak to anymore. Do you think that I need to try to make amends before it is too late, or is it better to leave it alone?
Lost Family
Dear Lost Family,ÂYou might be surprised to know how many people are burdened by this. It is a very sad thing indeed. I can understand why you are unsure of how to proceed. I wish there was one clear answer to this issue but, sadly, it depends on many aspects. You will need to evaluate your personal experience, but I willtry to give you some guidance. Always trust your gut on this - and everything.
What happened? Get clear on what happened. What do you remember? And be specific. This will help you answer many of the questions you may have, help you determine what to do next, and help determine if it is a smart move to reconnect.
What is the history? Is this an ongoing issue? Is this something that continues to show up with this person? Is it a pattern that shows up in their life with other people? More importantly, is this a pattern that shows up in your life with multiple people?
What was your role? Very seldom is this kind of thing one sided. However, sometimes it is one sided. What might you learn about yourself, and are there things you need to heal and/or change before you proceed?
Was it a simple mistake? Do you believe this situationis based on a simplemisunderstanding?
What do you expect to get out of the reconciliation? Get really clear on this. Be realistic. Even if all goes great, things may not return to the way they were.
Is this a safe person? I feel like a broken record here, but really get clear with this one. Some people are just not safe people, and some of those not-safe people exist within our families. Take care of yourself, and let unsafe people go. At the very least, set strong good boundaries. Boundaries are a big deal, and most of us don’t know how or when we need to set them. Big topic, we will touch on this another day.
Do you enjoy this person? Is it the person you miss or some fairy tale version of the relationship?
If you decide to proceed, try the big 3: ACKNOWLEDGE, APOLOGIZE, AND ACCEPT.
ACKNOWLEDGEwhat happened. Accept and understand different perspectives. More than likely, the two of you have different understandings of what happened. Be willing to hear the other person’s side of the story. Try to listen to their side and acknowledge that you understand that was how they felt. You may not get the same message back to you. Try to do your own healing before you make the attempt to reach out.
APOLOGIZE, but don’t expect an apology. Some people seem to be incapable of apologizing.
ACCEPT the outcome. What will be will be. Do your part, and let that be enough.
Love, Aunt B
If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@ forneymessenger. com.
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