Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I find myself giving advice to everyone in my life. They very seldom accept the advice and then find themselves in much trouble. How can I keep myself from being judgmental and feeling like they got what they deserved?

If they only listened to me

Dear If they only listened to me,

First things first, stop giving advice to anyone that has not asked you for advice. As humans we are hardwired to not even listen to advice that we have not requested. Darren Hardy, who I have told you I listen to, has said that before he says anything, not just advice but anything, he asks himself a group of questions. Does this need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Will it change anything? I would add, can this be said kindly? Wow, I might find myself very quiet if I always followed this advice. I understand how difficult it is to remain quiet.

One lofty reason it is difficult is because we really do think we know the best thing to do. I hate to break it to you and to myself, but this is not always true. We don’t have all the information, and the complete information will never be available to us. So it is much better if we learn how to control ourselves and keep our mouths shut.

What is your own personal experience when people try to give you advice that you have not solicited? I know my first thought is, “You really don’t understand what I am trying to accomplish here.” What happens next is I ignore most of what is being said. This experience is completely different when I have asked for help and advice. Asking means I am giving permission for the other person to give their advice, and this completely changes the interaction. It allows me to open up and to give more information making the advice I receive more pertinent and valuable. It allows me to listen and actually hear what is being said.

So why do we feel we need to give advice all the time? Sometimes we really do have good information and just want to help. The biggest problem for me is that I want to control the natural consequences that I feel are imminent if they don’t follow my advice. I don’t like natural consequences but frankly they are the only, THE ONLY, thing that changes any of our behaviors. So, what do I mean by natural consequences?

Natural consequences are what happens naturally after any of our behaviors. If I don’t go to work, I will lose my job. If I eat too many calories, I will gain weight. If I don’t move my body, I will lose flexibility. If I don’t communicate well, relationships will suffer. If I don’t study, I won’t do well on my exam. If I don’t pay my electric bill, they will turn off my electricity.

When we rob individuals of their natural consequences, we don’t help them at all. It all gets confusing, and we teach them a lesson that will not serve them in the future. Eventually, we all tire of saving others from their own behaviors and when that happens, they are confused and left without the coping skills they could have developed earlier on. This usually ensures a vicious circle that compromises relationships and sets us up for more disruptive relationships.

This breakdown is also where the judgment you spoke of fosters. We ask ourselves, “When will they ever learn?” This can lead us to offer more advice and offer it in even more detrimental ways. When I have tried to help another and they have not done what I advised, I get judgmental and critical. I am not proud of this, but it is a fact. Judgment doesn’t work ever.

So, what to do? Let others solve their own problems as early on as possible. Get comfortable with their natural consequences. Get comfortable with your own feelings and deal with your own experiences. Don’t rescue people. People will figure it out. Only give advice when it is requested. I don’t like any of this, and I admit to you I am not always successful. I commit to you to listen to my own advice.

Love,

Aunt B

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