Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

There are some conversations that I need to have with people in my life. I am not sure where to start and keep putting it off. I am afraid of the conversations but I know that they need to happen. Any suggestions?

Need to Talk

Dear Need to Talk,

Conversations can be difficult, that is for sure. There are so many changes happening in the world and in our families. Many things that need to be discussed and for some reason conversations can be more difficult these days. I personally think it is usually because we put these conversations off way too long and gather so much angst about them.

I would suggest you have a deep understanding of the conversation that you feel you need to have. Ask yourself:

What do you want to say? Get really clear. What are your intentions for this conversation? Do you want some sort of action to take place after the conversation? Why do you want to have these conversations? Are you wanting someone to change their behavior or do you want to change your behavior? Why is this conversation difficult? Is there any way to make it not so difficult? Do other people need to be in the conversation? Who and why? What are your expectations of the other person’s concerns concerning this topic? Could you be wrong?

Once clear concerning your conversation, prepare yourself. What are you responsible for in this conversation? Get your responsibilities taken care of first. Once clear, practice the conversation. Sounds funny but it is interesting how much more smoothly and clearly conversations go when you practice. Do this outloud. All things look different when we get them out of our heads and into real spoken words. Leave open a space so that the conversation goes smoothly. Oftentimes we take anxiety into situations that don’t need to be there. If we expect something to go bad it often will. Try expecting the conversations to go well. This at least cleans up your own energy.

Start with some rapport building and finding topics that you agree upon, don’t start rushing into topics that have contention. Find common ground and then explain what you feel you need to discuss and why. Do not push your own agenda. Once the topic comes up, listen more than you talk. Really listen for the other person’s perspective. Try to learn something yourself. Believe it or not you don’t know everything about the situation.

If the conversation goes bad, then stop. There is virtually no chance once it gets heated that you will be able to turn it around at the time. As soon as you notice tensions starting to rise, stop and find something that you do agree upon and agree to talk a time later when you both feel better. Reevaluate the conversation after you have given yourself some time to get clear. Do not wait long to revisit the conversation or you will regather all the original fear and confusion. Hope this helps.

Love,

Aunt B

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