Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

What do you do about family members that use you? I try to be supportive and be there for my family and friends. I very seldom feel appreciated or even respected by some of them. I find myself just becoming resentful.

Resentful

Dear Resentful,

I believe when we give out of a place of resentment, we are not really helping anyone, probably actually hurting them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have this all figured out by any means. I just know that when I give anything and I am in a loving place, I feel good about what I am giving and it seems to be received better. I also believe I am more apt to hear gratitude in the receiver’s words. When I am already resentful, the other could get down on the floor and express thanks and I might not even hear, let alone accept it. I would just feel like it was manipulation. Not saying you are doing this, just saying I have in the past and I don’t like it.

I have tried to make one change in my giving. I try to wait to be asked. There have been times when my giving surrounded things I felt others needed, not what they even wanted. I also do give at times when someone has not asked. It is actually my favorite time to give, but this giving is not the giving we are discussing today.

I have also said no to giving even when it has been asked. This is extremely uncomfortable for me but I feel necessary for me to remain faithful to myself. It can feel that you need to explain your lack of giving at this time. Don’t. Making explanations at this time will not necessarily be heard and it just muddles the water. It is good to set boundaries. Difficult if you are not in the habit of setting boundaries but very good.

When you find yourself keeping track or feeling like someone owes you when you give, that is a good sign that you are not giving from your heart. If you are giving so people like you, then that is not from your heart as well.

This conversation feels weird to me because, of course, I love to give and hope that I am always a giving person. I hope that you understand that we are talking about the giving that does not feel good. We are talking about the giving that we feel resentful about. Giving from our heart always feels good.

How well do you receive when people try to give to you? I realize this can be a problem for me. It is my desire to become a better receiver. It is my wish to actually receive more graciously. A simple thank you is nice and better received than “Oh, you shouldn’t have.”

Have a beautiful and giving holiday.

Love,

Aunt B

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