Dear Aunt B, I haven’t been married that long but it just seems like we live two different lives. It feels like we are just roommates. Is this all there is?
It’s Not Bad
Dear It’s Not Bad,
Not bad does not make good. Only you can decide what you want in life. This is definitely a time for a deep conversation. Have you guys discussed this? Do you agree that it is where your relationship is at the moment? Don’t assume that you both feel the same way. Communication is so very important in a relationship. I have seen many people blind sided because they thought everything was fine and didn’t even realize there was a problem or even any discontent. So start with a talk. If you don’t have those skills, get them quick. I believe great questions and good listening is the place to start. Try not to have a preconceived idea of how the conversion is going to go. Be kind and loving. Take personal responsibility for yourself and your experience. As much as it seems at the time, this is not about the other person. This is about you. Don’t approach this conversation while consuming alcohol. Don’t approach this conversation during or directly after a fight or disagreement.
The great news is it can change. Relationships do take attention and when that has been lacking for a while, this is a natural consequence.
Nothing feels better to me than a great relationship. So I don’t necessarily feel like it is hard work. It only feels hard when you have ignored it for some time and your attitude is bad.
If it feels like it would just be easier with a new person, that is completely a lie, unless you are in an abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out. If you once loved each other, then work on it. The feeling of love changes but not in the way you are afraid. Don’t be confused by thinking it is not as good of a feeling because it definitely can be.
Are you romantically involved? I mean exactly like you think I mean. Romantic means different things to different people for sure, but what I am referring to is the big romantic. Flowers are nice but that is not what I am talking about. I got flowers for my mother. It is my opinion that I must do something with my love that I don’t do with others in order to feel the spark that I want. If not, then I agree it feels familiar but much like roommates.
My suggestion would be to have important talks, learn to communicate better, be kind to each other, and get physical. If any of this or all of this is not in your wheelhouse than get some professional help. It is worth it.
Love, Aunt B
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