Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

My spouse is a whiner. I don’t like it and I don’t know how to help him change. Any ideas?

Married to a Whiner

Dear Married to a Whiner,

Dictionary.com defines a whiner as someone who complains a lot, especially in a peevish, self-pitying manner or tone. It further states that being a whiner at work just makes you look petty, childish, and untrustworthy.

A whiner has also been described as a person with excessive complaints. Some synonyms for whiner include grumbler, moaner, sniveller, squawker, bellyacher, complainer, crybaby, disagreeable person and unpleasant person. OUCH. Doesn’t sound good, right?

Is this actually what you are talking about? If so, I’m not sure you can change any of this. The whiner is of course going to have to change and do the work themself. A whiner might be a pessimist, always seeing the glass half empty.

Oftentimes we hear the word whiner referring to children. Some advice I found for dealing with whining children includes staying calm, inform your kids you will no longer be tolerating whining. You may need to define whining to them so you all are on the same page. Redirect their negative whining to positive words. Shower them with positive reinforcement when they exhibit positive talk and gratitude. Ignore the whining and if all else fails walk away from the conversation. I suppose all of this would work with adults as well.

Remember things get worse before they get better. More than likely this is not new behavior and if it gets attention, it has been successful for some time. Stay true to your mission.

With adults, I believe gratitude seems to be our best antidote to whining. Have you heard of the challenge to not complain about anything for 30 days? Most people can’t make it an hour, let alone a day. And 30 is quite a challenge. If you should decide to take this on, it means nothing negative. If at any time you fail, you must start back on day one. Lofty exercise, difficult beyond words exercise. At the least it will show you how much you whine, complain, and gossip. Afterall awareness is half the battle and definitely the starting place..

Oftentimes, I believe this is just a habit. One that most people have developed. It takes a real pro to beat it. The reason that it is so difficult is because there is a plethora of things to whine about. The great news is there is also a plethora of things to be grateful for. It comes down to where you put your focus and your words.

An interesting side note to this conversation is that you more than likely will find that you yourself whine quite a bit. This makes the earlier mentioned exercise more fun. See which one of you can go the longest without whining. Make it fun, remember the goal is to be more positive and more happy.

Sometimes, I believe the guilty party to whining (usually me) believes that it is their duty to point out the reality of the situation. This is a trap. The reality can always be changed and I do believe nothing good comes from always pointing out the negative.

Changing this one habit can change your life for the good and your relationship for the better. Good Luck.

Love, Aunt B

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