Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

When my husband and I argue or disagree, I turn into a nut. I get so sensitive and it feels like I turn into a child. Somewhere in my mind, I know I am overreacting but I can’t seem to let it go. Is there a way to not go off the rails when we disagree?

I am not always RIGHT

Dear Not always RIGHT,

Is there a better way to communicate and not turn into a nut? Why yes there is, so glad you asked. This is such a common issue. When we argue with anyone, especially those we love the most, we never represent our best self. Arguing, by nature, is never listening. It is always waiting, not so patiently, for the other person to stop talking long enough to get our side of the story out. Once it starts, nothing based on facts usually comes out of our mouths. It is always emotional.

It would almost always be best to just step away from each other and come back at a later time, when both parties have had a chance to cool down and their thinking brain has returned. What do I mean by thinking brain, you ask? Very simply put there are three parts of our brain. Some label them our robot, monkey and sage brains.

The robot brain is responsible and in charge about 95% of the time. Our robot brain is basically all the things that happen subconsciously. This part is responsible for our survival. It is responsible for all the things that happen on autopilot; our heart rate, our breathing and many more processes. The long ingrained habits are ruled by the robot brain. The things that we do without even thinking. When we have a disagreement and get triggered by something someone says or does, it is the robot brain in charge. We can be reacting to things that have happened in the past. This is why we often don’t even understand why we got so upset. The monkey brain is the part of our brain that keeps us distracted and busy. The monkey brain is the one that jumps onboard quickly in a disagreement or fight. It can come up with the craziest responses to all that is happening. If the argument was tape recorded, the monkey brain’s comebacks are the ones you would say, “I didn’t say that.”

The sage brain is the least powerful part of the brain, naturally. The sage brain and the monkey brain are constantly completely for that left over 5% of our brain. When we master our emotions and build great habits, this is the part of the brain that gets great things accomplished. It takes training to access this part of the brain. It is where logic and thinking live. Don’t confuse thinking with the random free floating often negative thoughts that fill our heads. The sage brain doesn’t believe all the crap you say about yourself. This is the part of the brain that separates us from all the other animals on the planet. This is the part that will aid us in communicating with others. This is the part that solves problems. We should all develop techniques to strengthen this part of our brain. Our sage brain is responsible for building the new healthy habits. Once these habits have been adequately developed our robot brain can take over. However that takes quite some time.

These 3 parts of our brains don’t show up at the same time. So when you are upset don’t expect the sage brain to jump in and talk some sense into you. Just not going to happen. I believe that the robot brain and the monkey brain are involved when we have an argument. The sage brain very seldom shows up unless one of us refuses to participate with the argument and some time as passed for all to calm down.

So my advice would be to have an agreement with your significant other that the one whose sage brain shows up first gets a prize. Just a clue, if you have to argue just one more point or get the last word in, you don’t get the prize.

Love,

Aunt B

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