Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I am a constant worrier. It is destroying my life. Do you have any advice on how to break this habit? Thanks in advance.

Worry Wart

Dear Worry Wart,

I ran across a great quote the other day. “Now that your worry has proved such an unlucrative business, why not find a better job?” by Hafiz. This is true, isn’t it? Worry is an unlucrative business. I find it even worse than that. I find worry detrimental. What we focus on increases. The worst scenarios we can imagine rob us of any joy we can experience in the present. Worry is a habit and a bad one to boot.

According to Psychology Today, worry and anxiety are two different things. They state anxiety is a feeling in our bodies and worry is primarily in our heads. Actually, I don’t completely agree or at best I don’t think it really matters. I believe that they are so closely tied that it is important that we handle the bodily feelings and the worrisome thoughts.

So what to do? The first step you have accomplished. You recognized it is a problem and you want to change. Oftentimes when we are in the habit of worrying we actually feel like we are accomplishing things. Oh, we are accomplishing things, but not what we want.

An additional problem with worry is that research shows we usually exaggerate the feelings we will experience in the future, both good and bad. What feelings do you think you are exaggerating when you worry? When you exaggerate bad feelings even before anything happens, you set yourself up for more misery.

I heard the best come back from those of us that feel we must keep people real and point out all the bad things that could happen. This is sometimes referred to as being the devil’s advocate. True confessions, this is a bad habit that I have had to conquer. It is not fun and feels horrible but I felt someone had to do it. So are you ready for the comeback? When this was addressed to a mentor of mine, Darren Hardy, he stated, “I do not take counsel from the devil. I do not take advice from the devil. I do not entertain conversations from the devil.” I love this advice. If you have been the devil’s advocate, stop it.

An old cognitive therapy technique for stopping unwanted thoughts was as simple as, as soon as you become aware of the worrisome thought, simply out loud, if possible, say, “Stop it.” Of course this is not a one and done solution but it can be really effective. If you have never seen the clip from the old Bob Newhart show, youtube it. It is worth the time and I find it very funny. I want more things that make me laugh. I know worry is not a laughing matter, but laughter helps everything go better.

I have seen people treat worry very effectively by setting aside a specific time for worry. Literally put on your calendar. Set the time for a time when you are not your most productive. Any other time when worry creeps into your mind, simply declare to your mind that you will address it during your designated worry time. Often, when your worry time comes, you will not choose to entertain the worry. I find it is still important to give your worry some time during this designated time or you will start to discount the practice the next time you desire to quiet the worry.

Love,

Aunt B

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