Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I am a perfectionist. I don’t like to do anything less than perfect. It has caused me some problems, but mostly it causes so much anxiety that I am not sure I can keep this up. How do I do a perfect job and handle the anxiety that comes with that perfection?

Do it Right

Dear Do it Right,

How do you do anything perfect? Actually believing you are doing anything perfect is the first trap.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do good work and to do what you do well. It is when these expectations get in the way of your life and relationships that the expectations become a problem. The following is a list of some potential signs you might have a problem with perfectionism.

A friend or employer has told you that your standards are too high.

You feel depressed and anxious most of the time.

Meeting your standards have kept you from living and enjoying your life.

You are unable to sleep because of your standards.

You are always shoulding all over yourself.

You see any lack of perfection as a complete failure.

You constantly procrastinate.

You aggressively recheck everything you do.

You avoid trying anything new.

Some ideas that could help include

Ask for advice and perspective from others. Where do they see you excelling in your work and where do they believe you might improve?

Once you notice your tendencies of disapproving of yourself and your work, challenge them with the words you say to yourself. (Enough is enough; I do good work; I did my best.)

Learn breathing techniques and practice them. Oftentimes the experience we have in our body that we label as anxiety is actually a need for a breath. Of course your body will react if you are not giving it oxygen.

Do relaxation exercises. When you feel tense, tighten your whole body and release the tension. Noticing the difference is a step in changing your behavior.

Practice prayer and meditation. Quiet your mind. Listen for answers instead of all the chatter that is usually present.

Set time limits on your work and commit to stopping when you have given a project enough time.

Ask yourself what you would tell a close friend with the same problem and listen to your own wisdom.

Perfectionism usually stems from a fear of disapproval. Extreme self judgment is another component. I know both of these have haunted me over my life. The extreme self judgment is frankly just poison. No good comes from negative self talk. I also know there will be times when we will suffer from disapproval from others. The bigger problem to me is when I disapprove of myself. The disapproval of myself goes hand in hand with self judgment. I would suggest you take a look at what this is doing for you and make this critical self judgment your first change.

Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that can happen if this is not perfect? Chances are very slim that the worst that can happen will happen. But if it did, can you live with that? Oftentimes the worse thing is not even that threatening.

Love,

Aunt B

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