Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I have a good friend that works for me. I am the office manager and he is really taking advantage of me. He talks very disrespectfully to me. I really need him to work and I’m not sure how to handle this. How much disrespect should I take?

Help me

Dear Help me,

Very difficult predicament you are in, my friend. It is always hard when you have a friend working under your supervision. It is just too complicated and boundaries that need to be set usually are not in place. It is difficult enough to set boundaries with any employee (although necessary). Often you begin this type of relationship believing that you won’t need to set boundaries. We always need boundaries. This type of situation usually begins in a type of honeymoon phase. What I mean by that is it looks like a fun time. A friend would never put you in a difficult situation, right? Your friends will be the same type of employee as they are people. We all have faults and shortcomings and they will show their ugly faces in a work environment.

If this is new behavior, then I would have a conversation outside of work and check in with your friend, as a friend not an employee. Make sure he is ok. Explain the behavior is uncharacteristic of him and you are worried about him. Then just listen. It takes people time to open up about serious issues. Ask if there is something that he needs from you as a friend. Again stay quiet and listen. Give him plenty of time to explore what might be responsible for these new behaviors. If possible, I would suggest the work conversation be at a different time. It can be the same day but I would give some time between the two conversations. This separation of the conversations can be symbolic for the separation of the roles of friend and employee.

The next conversation must clarify what you need from him as an employee. It will help you to set some boundaries for the work relationship. Explain that you can not tolerate behaviors from him that you would not tolerate from any other employee. Give him specific examples of the troubling behavior. Reestablish the expectations that you have for him at work. Expound on the fact that this change needs to take effect immediately.

If the situation does not immediately improve, you will need to move on. Your job as a supervisor is to take care of the business at hand. If you have not documented the bad behavior in the past, start immediately. Follow the procedures set in place like you would for any other employee. Hopefully if the employment needs to end you will be able to save your friendship. If not it probably wasn’t much of a friendship to begin with. Either way this is a very difficult situation.

I would caution against entering into this type of dual relationship in the future. That being said, I have seen this work very well. The important thing to remember is to get clear what type of a person that is needed for the jobs you are hiring. What characteristics and behaviors are needed. I always look for a positive attitude, smart, friendly, kind, personally responsible, organized, and punctual. If you find those people you usually can’t go wrong. If you find these people and you don’t need them, send them my way.

Love,

Aunt B

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