Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I’m 15 and I don’t belong anywhere. I just don’t know where to turn. I just want to belong. I DON’T. I’m not sure where to turn. Can you help me?

I am so alone

Dear I am so alone,

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you everything will be ok. I personally think the age you are is one of the hardest times of your life ever. It will get better. If you are planning on going to college, there are so many more people that you have a better chance of finding your tribe.

We all want to belong. This is rooted deeply in our DNA. If our ancestors didn’t belong and fit in their tribes, our ancestors didn’t survive. Good news, we are not as dependent on our tribe to survive these days but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel as important. It might not help but many people, all people in some way, feel as if they don’t belong. I realize it doesn’t look that way. When you are lonely, it looks as if everyone you see has many friends around them and are very happy. People are very good at hiding their true feelings. This is a time in your life when you are just discovering who you are and what you want. The more focused you can stay on who you are and what you personally want out of life, the better off you will be.

We often compare how we feel on the inside to how it appears others feel on the outside. You can never win that game or comparison. It almost always looks different.

Some of us feel stronger than others. People call us sensitive. I don’t think they mean it as a compliment, but I take it as a compliment. I like that I care. I like that I feel strongly about things and about others. I like that I love easily. With all of this sensitivity comes some responsibility for taking care of myself. I would invite you if you feel this describes you, being super sensitive, that you build some of the following skills:

• Extreme self care

• Strong boundaries

• Journal

• Meditation or Prayer

I know when we want to belong so much we will do things to get the feeling of belonging that we desperately need that we wouldn’t do otherwise. I would caution you to stay safe and stay within your own values. There are people out there that are good for you and people out there that are not. What I would suggest you do is make a list of all the characteristics you would like in a friend (nice, caring, funny, smart, energetic, etc.). Also make a list of how you will feel when you meet and spend time with that person. Practice those feelings. Sounds crazy I know but try to get into the feeling of belonging.

Finally, model the behavior you wish someone would have modeled for you. I promise someone who feels more lonely than you is watching you. Maybe someone your age, maybe someone younger, and they need a good example.

If you are feeling desperate, reach out to someone. The suicide prevention hotline is 800-273-8255.

Love, Aunt B

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