Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

The big day is upon us for sure and while others are upset about not getting to spend time with family and friends, I am upset about the exact opposite. I have to spend time with people I don’t even like. How do I make this day bearable?

Too much of a not such a good thing

Dear Too much of a not such a good thing,

I hear you saying you have to spend time with people you don’t want to be with. Is that true? Do you have to? Remember we are the boss of us and we get to decide who, what and how we spend our time.

That being said, there are reasons we choose to do things we don’t really want to do. Are you choosing to spend time with others to please others in your life? Evaluate why and what you are doing. If your choices are made by pleasing other people, that can be a good thing or not so good. I can hear you now, “Aunt B everything can’t be both ways.” That is the difficult part of life. Most things are not black or white. Most of everything falls in the gray zone.

It is not a bad idea to do things that please those we love. Nothing brings me more pleasure than pleasing those I love. If you are spending time with ones that you would rather not for someone you love then do it and don’t complain. Explain to your loved one that you are doing this because you love them and you like pleasing them. If you complain the whole time or hold it over your loved one’s head and expect pay back then you aren’t really doing it out of love. Do it, don’t complain, don’t expect it to be different or rewarding.

Keep the option open that it could be a better time than you expect. It never hurts to hope and it’s always nice to be surprised. Make the time as short as possible but again don’t get there and start asking when you can leave. Be pleasant and loving so when you do have time with the one you love and are doing this to please, it can be a great loving time.

Of course this doesn’t mean it is ok to spend time being abused. If there are things going on that you don’t want to be a part of, then explain those circumstances to your love and find another way to compromise. It may be that you spend the morning together and allow each other some time to each go your own way.

I think the word compromise is really important here. What I don’t mean by compromise is meet somewhere halfway in the middle where both of you are miserable. I like win win compromises. I get some things I want 100% my way and I let my man get some things he wants 100% his way.

All of this being said, if no one wants to go or you are on your own, make the changes you want. You can start small and work up to exactly how you want to spend the holidays. Change is not comfortable and can be difficult but it is doable. Be clear and kind. It is not important for you to give long excuses or detailed information.

It is my desire that you do not take this answer as an excuse being told to not visit your elderly family or ones that really need your assistance. Please make time for people that have no one else and really need your connection.

Love, Aunt B

Aunt B

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