Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

I have a friend that has a boyfriend that is just horrible. I don’t understand why she takes the things she does from him. She is a strong woman and surely doesn’t need a man, especially this kind of man. Do I say something?

Needs a better one

Dear Needs a better one,

Boy, this is a hard one. This is hard on so many levels. It is hard to watch, it is hard to say something or to say nothing. Are we talking about infidelity? I would start with making sure the information you have is correct. Unfounded rumors have ended more than one relationship, friendship and love relationships. Nothing worse than spilling the beans to something that isn’t even true. Always check out the facts.

Remember all friendships are different. All relationships are different. Do you have the type of friendship that shares and speaks openly from your heart? This question or whether to talk or not doesn’t have a clear answer. It is not a one size fits all. The ramifications to whichever way you go are wide sweeping.

If you speak poorly of your friend’s boyfriend it will affect your friendship as well. If you decide to say something, I believe it would be best to say the smallest amount you can. There is no need or benefit to elaborate on the situation or to make judgments. It is not a given that she is going to thank you. Always remember that just because you wouldn’t choose or put up with something doesn’t mean another feels the same way. There are many reasons people stay in relationships and they are not always clear on the surface.

We also have different wants and expectations in a relationship. Some of our wants and expectations are not decided in our healthiest states. Possibly the role models of your friend weren’t the healthiest. Possibly your friend’s self esteem isn’t as great as you think.

I have had this experience and it has gone both ways. I would be very careful in what I say but generally, I would say something. As you can imagine my mouth has a hard time. When something comes in my head it usually comes out my mouth. I don’t think this is always a good thing so I’m not recommending it.

If you do decide to talk about this issue, be clear at your own motivation. Be kind. Be clear. Be short.

Love,

Aunt B

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