Ask Aunt B

Dear Aunt B,

How do I make peace with something bad that happened in my past, really long ago. I am sick and tired of living with it every day.

Just want peace

Dear Just want peace,

Get help. Some things we just need help getting through. There can be peace on the other side of bad things but it can take work that we are not always capable of doing on our own.

Whether it be a counselor, a friend, a pastor or priest, a family member, or a mentor, just get help. It is important that your help has some special qualities. I believe they need to be love based. Being love based means to me that love is their go to emotion. You do not need judgment. You do not need hate. You do not need a high and mighty attitude. You do need love. You do need wise.

Holding on to things does you absolutely no good. It feels like it does, it can feel like it protects you and keeps you on guard so that no one can hurt you that bad again but it really doesn’t work that way. It does keep you on guard but that can do you more harm than good. Always having your guard up can isolate you from good things and good people that come your way.

Acknowledging what happened and your part in it is a good place to start. If you were a child then you had no part in it. If we are talking sexual, physical, or mental abuse and you were a child, you had no responsibility for the actions of adults. I understand that it doesn’t always feel that way but it is true. Knowing this truth does not normally make the feeling go away. So this is one place that you need help from others.

It can help to imagine, if the same thing happened to one you know and you love, would you blame them? Usually not. If we could give ourselves the understanding we give others it would help.

As adults we are responsible for the happenings in our life. So a different approach is needed. It is helpful to look clearly at the situation remembering that we have a different perspective than the other individual. Try imaging the situation from their viewpoint. Acknowledge the role you played in the situation. Explore for the learning that could have taken place or should have taken place. It is never too late to learn from a situation. Forgive yourself and forgive the other person. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. It also doesn’t mean that you will allow the other to do it again or even back in your life. It simply means that you no longer will carry the pain and hatred with you. Every day you hold on to the situation it is like you are allowing the other to take more and more from you. Get help if you can’t do this on your own. There is no shame in getting help.

Love,

Aunt B

If you would like to send Aunt B a question please email your question to news@forneymessenger.com.