Oh boy. It’s time to turn over another decade. Maybe 2019 was a banner year where all your dreams came true. Maybe it was a year best left out of sight and even further out of mind. Doesn’t matter. Father Time is a stickler for decennium curfews and 2020 beckons. What better way to begin a new 10 year stretch than with (gulp) an awesome new set of resolutions! Now is when the noisemakers sound and the confetti falls. Are you prone to making a list of resolutions? Is this a positive experience for you? Do you loathe resolutions? Do you find them intimidating? Depressing? Most of us agree on one thing. We very rarely see resolutions to fruition. Maybe that’s not you. Perhaps your resolutions all turn out exactly the way you intend. If so, you probably make amazing soufflés and do crossword puzzles in ink. Good for you. Not so for me. I’ve been doing some deep, introspective thinking this December. I’ve been ruining my life with resolutions & I think I know why. Go ahead and pop your therapy checks in the mail, folks.
I am now going to bare my heart to you. You’re about to enter the inner sanctum of Dina’s New Year’s Resolutions, years 2000-2019. Yes, they are the same, every single year. Without further ado, please enjoy me speaking to myself: 1. Lose ___ lbs (the number varies between 10 and 20 depending on that year’s hormone issues and Bluebell ice cream production quality) 2. Finish one of the 37 books you’ve started 3. Learn to play the guitar 4. Read one book a month 5. Save money 6. Get goats [In the sake of time, let’s eliminate the one about learning French and not drinking wine anymore. Who are we kidding, anyway?] While these 6 ideas seem innocent enough, what you can’t absorb via printed word is the malice used in their declaration. Here’s what I’m really saying, and here’s why, 19 years later, I failed in every aspect: 1. You stink. You weigh too much and you will continue to weigh too much because you are a failure at losing weight just as you are a failure at many other key life elements. 2. You will never finish a book. You’re really not that talented of a writer and deep down inside you know this. So, go on and start another pointless book, why don’t you. 3. It’s time to drop the musical prodigy act. That may have worked when you were 8 years old, but not only are you no longer a violin virtuoso, the odds of you ever mastering another instrument are slim to none, Itzhak Perlman.
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